We bout to throw them bows. We bout to swang them thangs. We bout to throw them bows. We bout to swang them thangs. It’s bout to be a what? DUDEFIGHT!
Yes, in the sage words of Brooke Valentine, it is, indeed, dudefight time. The latest installment in our dudefight series is brought to you by the egos of Chris Broussard, a man who is allowed to call himself a sportswriter for ESPN, and Mark Cuban, “renowned billionaire tech owner and the outspoken owner of the Dallas Mavericks.” You might also know Cuban as the unofficial head shark on the only television show that Jia watches, Shark Tank.
So, what went down between these two when the sexual organs between their legs acted as their brains? Basketball. Basketball happened.
On Wednesday, NBA free agent DeAndre Jordan was poised via verbal agreement to leave the Los Angeles Clippers and sign with a new team—the Dallas Mavericks. Well, Jordan’s almost-former teammates were having none of that, so they all ditched their luxury vacations and flew to his home in Houston to convince him to stay on the team.
As this was happening, Jordan was supposedly ignoring all phone calls from Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. The narrative played out exactly as if an enormous, grown-ass man was being held hostage in his home until the midnight deadline when he was eligible to resign with the Clippers—and it was hilarious.
During #DeAndreWatch, Twitter was doing what it does best: cracking jokes and supporting wild speculations about what the actual hell was going on. Was locking this man in his home really going to work? Will Dallas be able to make a pitch for him to stay? What are all those NBA players doing in there? Do they have enough snacks to last them until midnight? (I might have been the only person thinking that last one.)
Now, while some of us were free to tweet hilarious bullshit, there is a group of people you would expect to not engage in panicky speculation: sports journalists who are purporting to have actual facts—people like Chris Broussard.
This is funny because, OOPSY DAISY, DeAndre Jordan lives in Houston, not Dallas.
As you can see, it only took Broussard 35 minutes to catch his mistake.
Was it simply a typo? Perhaps. Or is Chris Broussard entirely full of shit? Either way, I don’t really care because this glorious mistake was enough to garner the most dudebro of dudebro responses from Mark Cuban.
Notice how Mark Cuban calls the report “the dumbest shit he’s ever heard,” but still offers to prove the false report him wrong because the male ego is a cancer.
RUH ROHH, WHAT NEXT?
OH, SNAP. YOU GOT LIED TO, BOO BOO.
The great thing is that it is pretty likely that Chris Broussard did get lied to, because he is a silly man who I’m sure a lot of people enjoy lying to quite a bit.
But Broussard, as you can probably glean, is not the type of person to let things be.
And so, here we have two fairly public figures arguing on Twitter about whether or not Grown Man #1 knew that Grown Man #2 was furiously texting Grown Man #3, as well as whether or not if Grown Man #2 had ever been invited over to Grown Man #3’s house.
Then, because the virtual room where this fight is taking place didn’t quite have all of the air squeezed out of it, Mark Cuban’s brother decided to weigh in.
This, my friends, has been a Dudefight. There are really no winners in this situation, but we’ll go with Mark Cuban by default. (Although the real winner is Deandre Jordan, who got grown men to fight over him in public.)
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org .
Images via Getty and Chris Broussard’s Twitter.