Britney, Blackwater and Bugs: We Skimmed At Least A Dozen News Stories This Morning So You Don't Have To

Illustration for article titled Britney, Blackwater and Bugs: We Skimmed At Least A Dozen News Stories This Morning So You Dont Have To

With all the shocking headlines leading the news every day, it's sometimes hard to figure out just what to post first thing in the morning as all the world waits for the meds to kick in. That's why we're allowing you to watch me & the Anonymous Lobbyist as we hash out the morning headlines in a somewhat scizophrenic, cordially incoherent babble-type format like a popular morning news magazine show might, if it had one millionth the budget and an even smaller readership. In this edition, Guiliani, Blackwater, the fake "fake" FEMA press conference, swastikas in school and whether antibacterial soap is actually GIVING YOU SUPERBUGS.

Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: All right. So there are a few topics that seem to be "leading the news" as they say. One is the notion that people should be washing their hands to combat bacteria, albeit not necessarily with antibacterial soap. Then there is a bunch of crap on how completely retarded our government is that is actually too depressing to read. And then there is the enduring mystery of Facebook being worth fifteen billion dollars.... Anything you'd like to start with?
8:50 AM
alanonlobbyist:: Well, if we're going to talk college kids, how 'bout the article that says they're having this teensy little issue at GW with kids running around drawing swastikas everywhere? The fact that that never seems to go out of style is more of a mystery that the value of Facebook: Americans will totally overpay for stupid crap. Have you been to the mall recently?
8:55 AM
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Oh right: swastikas are the new nooses. I forgot about that. And yeah, I guess, the dumber college students get, the more stupid crap they are willing to buy, so it makes sense that Facebook would have a rosy future. Although, college students using the internet can't help but make me think of sex tapes, and sex tapes can't help but make me think of Amy Fisher, and Amy Fisher can't help but make me think of today's most heartwarming story: she's taking her husband back after he sold their sex tape to some store with "Red Light" in the name!
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: "We've been together for so many years and have had so many ups and downs," she said. ". . ."We have two beautiful children, and we have a nice life, so we have to think about that." I bet!
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: I wonder what their beautiful children are wearing this Halloween!
alanonlobbyist:: OMG? Also, ew. I mean, at least tell me he doesn't look to Joey Buttafuoco.
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: I hope Jon-benet Ramsey and Elizabeth Smart, if they are truly that beautiful.
alanonlobbyist:: There is no way Amy's kids look that good, honestly. Genetics only gets one so far.
alanonlobbyist:: Shit, I'll bet they just leaked it for the press, like everyone else.
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Um, that's using your thinking cap! And speaking of which, she may be fugly but she is shrewd!!!
alanonlobbyist:: Only there ick factor has to be as high as the Dustin Diamond one
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Have you seen the Kim Kardashian one?
alanonlobbyist:: urination is not my scene, so no.
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Tracie said it was, um, rather professional!
alanonlobbyist:: Gee, there's a surprise. Her little sisters are learning to strip.
alanonlobbyist:: Kinda makes you wonder about Bruce Jenner, or her bio-dad
alanonlobbyist:: Speaking of terrible fathers, did you see that Giuliani is still "consulting"
9:00 AM
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Funny, that story was lost in the midst of all the "Giuliani is the ONLY REPUBLICAN WHO CAN BEAT HILLARY" stories that have somehow buried the story that he hired a pedophile priest to "consult" him!
alanonlobbyist:: The man has worst taste in staff than W
alanonlobbyist:: Plus, he couldn't beat her in the Senate race in 2000 and he consistently loses polls to her. Right now, no one can seemingly beat her, just like Howard Dean 4 years ago!
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Every time I think, "Well shit, who died and made HIllary so invincible?" I look at Giuliani and think, "I guess 3,000 is the magic number"
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: He also wins polls to her though sometimes.
alanonlobbyist:: Sure, though last I heard swing states were all trending her.
alanonlobbyist:: Although, according to an insider, "When Rudy is [at work], he is hands-on." There's nothing Clintonian about that...
9:05 AM
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: I don't know what to think. On one hand, the prospect of a Giuliani presidency just can't scare me, not after Cheney. But then when I think, "oh shit, what COULD scare me after Cheney?" I think of Romney and that blows my mind.
alanonlobbyist:: The magic underwear thing is a litte freaky, I agree.
alanonlobbyist:: But, I don't want to know what goes on under Giuliani's clothes, either. You know Judith buys his undies, and not in 3 packs of tighty-whities at Target.
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: I can't even get into that lady. It's so weird how a woman who is so crazy cannot be even remotely *fascinating.*
alanonlobbyist:: I think fascinating requires some mystery and/or a little intelligence. Girlfriend's got big fake tits, a creepy husband that scares anyone, and crazy eyes.

Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Do you have any insight as to why a random State Department official would, on the spur of the moment, give immunity to all those Blackwater bodyguards? Think it was because he, uh, needed a bodyguard?
9:10 AM
alanonlobbyist:: You mean other than that our entire government is idiotic? Not really.
alanonlobbyist:: But yours is as good an explanation as any.
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Well yeah, I mean, the crazy part is that, you know, I could see being in Iraq and saying, "Oh fuck you motherfuckers, go home and live free but let's get this investigation over with as quickly as possible so everyone sees how massively fucked up everything is." But then the bodyguards are using the immunity as an excuse NOT to talk, which doesn't seem to be the way it's supposed to work.
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Ok and on the flipside of our criminal justice system, there's one of those super uplifting stories on the front page of the Journal about the 200-some prisoners who have been exonerated by DNA evidence and released after several decades and, uh, how much it really sucks to be those guys
alanonlobbyist:: Dude, I'd tell the FBI to shove off, too, if I had killed a bunch of people and they were trying to prosecute me. I'm sure those guys don't give a shit about politics
9:15 AM
alanonlobbyist:: Well, can't suck worse that the guys that got executed first and then exonerated later.
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: True, maybe? I dunno. On another note, do you use antibacterial soap?
alanonlobbyist:: Unless it's in a work restroom, nah.
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: you know, to remove all the DNA evidence..
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: (Speaking of which the guy they follow found out about the whole DNA watching the OJ trial.)
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Thanks news media!
alanonlobbyist:: Of course he did. The OJ trial is the only court case most people have ever watched.
alanonlobbyist:: The only DNA evidence I usually need removed comes off in the shower...
9:20 AM
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Oh you don't have random street urchins blow their loads all over you when you're walking home from work? Because I hear that used to happen all the time in my neighborhood before Giuliani
alanonlobbyist:: And then Giuliani just got his friends to start sucking them off as a public service?
alanonlobbyist:: Is that why he hired that priest guy?
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: HA


Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: ok, fake FEMA news conference: so confusing!
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: to hold a fake news conference in the midst of a real calamity!!
alanonlobbyist:: Life lesson: don't FUCK with the press.
alanonlobbyist:: Well, it was a real news conference, they just forgot to invite any real reporters until 20 minutes before the thing started. Oops.
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: oh yeah, I've learned that one. So um, can you explain this FEMA thing to me real quick while I go scour TMZ for something a little more, um, "guilty pleasure" to end this with?
alanonlobbyist:: The part where FEMA is completely fucked up and potentially only capable of helping if you're only wealthy enough not to really need it? No.
alanonlobbyist:: The part where they're a bunch of do-nothing jerkwads with their thumbs up their butts? Sure.
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: But wait, it wasn't a fake conference? What was it?
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: I mean, because that press release 5W sent out offering Michael Brown for commentary was totally real
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: They called me back and everything.
9:25 AM
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Maybe 5W could take a few tips from Ronn Torrossian?
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: Anyway, PLEASE ENLIGHTEN!
alanonlobbyist:: I mean, dude was short-timing it. He's a media relations guy who doesn't like the press (big surprise) and probably isn't particularly good at answering actual hard questions.

Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: And on a LESS PREDICTABLE note, BRITNEY SPEARS WAS PULLED OVER LAST NIGHT!!!!
alanonlobbyist:: why the fuck can she not hire someone to drive her crazy ass around?
alanonlobbyist:: i mean, fuck, just pay her drug dealer to do it.
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: And if you're thinking what I'm thinking....Mmmmmm, how best to punish those Blackwater bodyguards we can't prosecute thanks to a government that is literally as braindead as Britney herself???????
Moeisstillhighfromtheweekend:: I think we've found a solution to at least 2 of the world's problems..
alanonlobbyist:: And, it would definitely get rid of some paparazzi and LA starfucker types as well... I feel a Solution.

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@SinisterRouge: did our soldiers manage that?

i'm pretty astounded at the utter lack of nuance or understanding in condemning people in positions orders of magnitude more stressful and difficult than any you will ever face in your entire lives. it isn't insulting to iraqi civilians to say that you can't compare protecting people in baghdad and protecting them anywhere else in the world. ANYWHERE. i'm not going to reply any more, but i will say that people like you are the reason people like me cannot take the political left in this country seriously, despite our hatred for the bush administration and its detrimental effects on nearly every aspect of foreign and domestic policy. whatevs.