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Breaking: We're All Gonna Die

Illustration for article titled Breaking: Were All Gonna Die
  • According to a new government study, a few extra pounds won't kill you! [ABC News]
  • Or they will kill you! Science daily says the overweight risk dying from cardiovascular disease, and the underweight have increased mortality from a shitload of other diseases! [Science Daily]
  • Guess what? A TON of other things besides your weight can make you kick the bucket. If you're angry a lot, you'll probably have stroke. If you pee in the ocean, you'll get eaten by a shark. Here's a list of 48 other things you probably shouldn't do unless you want to die. [MSNBC]
  • Your kids could die if they eat the beads from an Australian toy called Bindeez. Ingesting the toy was found to mimic the effects of roofies! [Wall Street Journal]
  • Oh hey guys, that HIV vaccine we gave you? Yeah, it might make you more susceptible to the disease. Whoops! [Wall Street Journal]
  • Hm, you probably shouldn't go abroad either, because you might get stabbed by your roommate and/or her sketchy Italian boyfriend and/or someone else. [ABC News]
  • Or you might just get bedbugs. Amazingly itchy! [USA Today]
  • Well at least there are still adorable puppies out there, and apparently 86% of people spend more time with their puppies than they do with their children. Awww. [Pet Health Care]

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People spend more time w/ pups because: a) past a certain age, kids don't want anything to do with their parents for fear that 'old' and 'lame' is contagious. b) young'uns these days get piled down with so much homework they scarcely have time to sleep. c) Sooooooccer praaaaactisssss!