Breaking: Deez Nuts Announces Candidacy For President

After much anticipation, Deez Nuts (I-Iowa) has declared his intent to run for President.

The candidate, who filed with the Federal Election Commission in an unspecified district on Sunday, is presumably running on a platform of deez nuts, though at press time no official statements had been made. Nuts, who comes the folksy region of Iowa known as Wallingford, is thus far the candidate from the smallest town of all the candidates, registering at population 197 in a swing state that is largely viewed as crucial to securing the presidency.

In an increasingly crowded landscape of hopefuls, Nuts’s filing as an Independent could cause reverberations across the stump as well as the primary debates, which begin with the Republicans on August 6. The question now is: How will Republican hopefuls react to a new wrench in their game, as Deez Nuts shoots from the paint from such a powerful state—and on a non-partisan ticket to boot, as bipartisanship becomes ever-contentious? It’s a question that the debaters—presently, Jeb Bush, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Donald Trump, Scott Walker, and Marco Rubio—will have to answer.

Mr. Nuts faces his strongest opposition from Bernie Sanders (D-Vermont), who, according to pre-polling, currently holds 30 percent of the popular vote in Nuts’s home state of Iowa. Pundits attribute this primarily to his devotion to a strong middle class. Can Deez Nuts challenge Sanders’s platform with sharper ideas on the economy while still holding the moderate-conservatives who find the Republican nominees too wonky? It’s a question that burns as the long march to 2016 election convenes.

A spokesperson for the Deez Nuts for President could not be reached at press time.