Every week you stand in lines and scan the newsstands for something so utterly devoid of actual substance that you couldn't possibly be tempted to actually buy it. And every week something goes terribly awry and US Weekly doesn't go out of business. Welcome to Midweek Madness. In which we "read" the Wednesday celeb tabs. So you don't "have" to.

Read it... tonight at your local pharmacy!US

  • The mag approves of Cameron's partying/flirting ways because, in the words of psychologist Yvonne Thomas, "she's realizing she's still attractive, she's still hot." Uh, yeah, because at 34, with all that surfing and shitloads of money and science and shit, she only has approximately 39 years left of magazines talking about how still-hot she is.
  • Dina Lohan talks: "I can't wait till Lindsay's real [yeah, our itals!] friends graduate college. They're in their senior year. God willing, they'll come work for us." (Wait, who is this God of whom Dina speaks?? Bc Lindsay's real friends' moms have def been petitioning JC, Allah and L. Ron Hubbard for a slightly diff outcome!!!)
  • Great feature: "Stars who curse out countries." Pegged—like every serious news story can be— to Brangelina. Reminds us how Claire Danes once called the Philippines "ghastly and weird" and said it "smelled of cockroaches." Silly Claire, it's not the roaches that smell! It's the rotting meat they feast on! Also: Feces. Another great feature: Celeb cleavage. Surprise! Most men are in favor of it!
  • David Hasselhoff's ex Pamela (no kidding! she's named Pam too?) is interviewed saying he went to the emergency room at least 12 to 13 times at Cedars-Sinai — under aliases of course!— for alcohol poisoning. Sounds like our junior year of college!
  • Men from Tyrese to Andre Balazs to Jeremy Piven to Criss Angel to Dijmon Honsou have been hollering at Cameron Diaz, which we think means she focus-groups well among men black, white, and too tattooed to tell!

Read it... in line this weekend at TargetStar

  • The magazine wins the blueball of the week award for its re-reporting — and refuting! Doh! — of the Brangelina/Karolina Kurkova threesome rumor.
  • Oprah was the "guest from hell" at the "posh" Grand Californian Hotel & Spa in Anaheim. Anaheim? Why? She wanted her breakfast served super-quickly! And her Perrier room temperature.
  • Excerpts a Hilary Duff interview from some magazine called Hollywood Life (Hey! The Universe got that memo about how its citizens could always use another celebrity magazines!!) in which she is quoted re Lindsay Lohan: "Some people I feel sorry for and some people I don't. If a person is facing the consequences of a dumb decision, then it's hard to feel sorry for them." Wait, Lindsay has faced consequences? Plural? Did Wilmer Valderrama tell Hilary that?


Skip it...Life & Style and In Touch

  • Life & Style sports The Hills' Heidi and Spencer on the cover talking about how much they have "evolved"... All the way fromhomo erectus to homo supervapidus.
  • While InTouch lets us in on how to get thin by Memorial Day (sorry guys, every other ladymag scooped you on this one!)Life & Style teaches us how to fuck it all up again with the "new It cocktails."
  • In Touch reminds us how much Britney hates her mother, but, whoops! We already read about that this morning!


US Weekly
Star Magazine
Life & Style