Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which I share my gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person.
Happy Halloween, horndogs!
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to hook up with an evil demon? To smang it with a disgusting pile of talking goo? To go all the way with a vengeful spirit?
If you haven’t, too bad, because you’re thinking about it now! And in honor of Halloween, we’ve temporarily changed the rules—the question today, my friends, is not Would U?, but rather, Which One Would U? That’s correct: you have no choice. You have to pick a monster that you would fuck.
Now, before I lay out your options, it’s worth noting that it was difficult for the Jezebel team to figure out what, exactly, constitutes a “monster.”
Bobby Finger: Is Voldemort bangable?
Clover: What’s a monster? Does Gollum count?
Erin Ryan: Gollum counts
Terron Moore: Do Pokemon count cuz there’s definitely more than a few Pokemon I would
Erin Ryan: I was going to say I’d fuck a centaur
Erin Ryan: But
Erin Ryan: Actually I wouldn’t
Joanna Rothkopf: I am attracted to centaurs
Erin Ryan: Centaurs have 6 limbs
Erin Ryan: That’s fucked up
Bobby Finger: “Ew Gollum no.” - Me fucking Gollum
Madeleine Davies: Would def bang Grendel
Madeleine Davies: Would bang most monsties
Joanna Rothkopf: Would U: Beetlejuice or a sandworm from Beetlejuice?
Bobby Finger: Beetlejuice is also the most convenient monster in terms of availability.
Joanna Rothkopf: Yes good 4 bootycalls
Bobby Finger: Would U Aileen Wuornos????
Rachel Vorona Cote: What about ET?
Bobby Finger: No not E.T.
Bobby Finger: E.T. would get SO attached
Rachel Vorona Cote: Can we include Ted Cruz? I would fuck most of these monsters before him.
Ultimately, however, the following 8 ~actual~ monsters edged out the competition. Which one would you allow out of your dreams / and into your car?
Sure, he’s packing some extra pounds and his floating, poop-shaped body is the color of a Nickelodeon sign, but honestly, who are you to judge this Ghostbusters villain? More To Love, I say!
This enormous reptilian sexpot enjoys long walks on top of Japan, nuclear tests, and indiscriminate murder. Would you let him pick you up and dangle you over Tokyo and then have sex with you?
Our favorite Monsters, Inc. cutie pie has one giant eye, all of his limbs (except...well), and a healthy dose of Jewish anxiety. How could anyone say no!
The Creature from the Black Lagoon
Would you get a load of those sexy lips!? This piscine amphibious humanoid has a lot of experience with women—and killing scientists! Would you follow Gill-Man back to his dark, damp lair?
More like Sex Dream on Elm Street, am I right you guys? That burnt face softly touching your own, those razor fingers tracing the curves of your body...
The Shark From Jaws
Yeah, that’s right! You know you want this bloodthirsty great white freak to eat you alive ;)
Wow, who wouldn’t want to get their hands on this hulking sentient being? Frankenstein’s monster is 8 feet tall with translucent yellowish skin, glowing eyes, and a GIGANTIC...heart! Would you invite him into your laboratory?
This carnivorous plant from Little Shop of Horrors has a beautiful deep voice and is not afraid to go after what he wants! How’s about you let Twoey plant a lil’ seed in you?
Muahaha! Now that you’ve seen the lineup, it’s time to vote—and if for some (ridiculous) reason none of these fictional death machines gets your pulse racing, please feel free to fill in an alternate monster who does.
Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with Martin O’Malley? 41.5% of you said “Obviously, lame of you to even ask,” 21% said “Maybe, if we watched The Wire together beforehand,” 17% said “Yes, but only if he let his chest hair grow in,” 11.5% said “Wow, no, disgusting of you to even ask,” and 9% said “Yes, but only if he wins the presidency.”
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Illustration by Bobby Finger, images via Toho/Godzilla; USA/Jaws; USA/Monster’s, Inc.; USA/Creature from the Black Lagoon; USA/A Nightmare on Elm Street; USA/Bride of Frankenstein; USA/Ghostbusters II; border via Shutterstock.