Blessed Be the Fruit, Ladies!! [Updated]

If there’s one thing women love, it’s immersing ourselves in a nauseating post-autonomy dystopia, imagining an increasingly plausible future of forced pregnancy and torture chambers, in which women are nothing but chattel and rape is state sanctioned.

If there’s another, it’s wine!!

Fortunately, we ladies can now combine our masochism and our oenophilia with a line of Handmaid’s Tale-inspired wines, revealed today by People. Blessed be the late stage capitalism! The blends are inspired by—or tenuously and retrospectively linked to—the show’s three badass women. As People writes, “naturally, Elisabeth Moss and Alexis Bledel’s characters, Offred and Ofglen, both inspired reds, while Yvonne Strahovski‘s Serena Joy is a white.” Ofcourse.

You can’t buy happiness, especially once the government revokes women’s right to own money and property, but you can buy wine, for now, at $40 per bottle. The wine is being sold at Lot18.com, where you can find further details on each blend. The Offred wine, a pinot noir that is as red as the outfit she is forced to wear to indicate that she is the property of an infertile upper class, is “rich and complex… a wine that will stay with you long after you’ve finished your glass”—just like the image of a woman being raped by her owner while lying between his wife’s legs.

Completely stripped of her rights and freedom, Offred must rely on the one weapon she has left to stay in control — her feminine wiles. This French Pinot Noir is similarly seductive, its dark berry fruit and cassis aromatics so beguiling it seems almost forbidden to taste. But it’s useless to resist the wine’s smooth and appealingly earthy profile, so you may as well give in. Nolite te bastardes carborundorum, indeed.

Ofglen, whose clitoris was cut off last season, inspired a “bold” cab sav—it sounds like she could use a glass or five!

Vive la résistance! Gilead’s most rebellious handmaid was the inspiration for this bold Cabernet Sauvignon — which, aptly, hails from the Rogue Valley. The wine is a daring testament to the heights that Oregon Cabs can reach, featuring concentrated flavors of cherry, plum and coffee bean that give way to a warm, spicy finish. Pleasure and enjoyment may be forbidden in Gilead, but it can certainly be found in this memorable wine.

Mmmm, tastes like #resistance. The Serena Joy variety, meanwhile, is “sophisticated, traditional and austere,” just like her expressionless face during the show’s ritualized rape scenes:

While the wine may initially come off as restrained, a few sips reveal it to be hiding layers of approachable white grapefruit and lemongrass, backed by weight and concentration. Just as you should “never mistake a woman’s meekness for weakness,” this is a wine you shouldn’t judge too quickly, lest you miss out on a sublime experience.

Gilead may have just gotten a tiny bit closer to reality with the appointment of an anti-abortion Supreme Court justice in a legislative environment already hostile to reproductive rights, but it’s okay. We many not have bodily autonomy for long, but at least we have wine!!!

Update (July 11, 8:30 a.m.): People has announced that after “further consideration” (and a not insignificant amount of backlash and mockery) the line of The Handmaid’s Tale-inspired wine has been cancelled. Nolite the bastards take your wine, ladies 🙁 🙁 🙁