Yes, hello, hi, we’re here, and we’ve somehow arrived at the night we’ve all been dreading because time, unfortunately, progresses for us all—the very first presidential debate, which will be followed by two (???) more in October. Everything is canceled this year except the debates, which is cruel but life is cruel!
The six official topics for tonight’s debate, all of which were chosen by tonight’s moderator, Fox News’s Chris Wallace, are: “the Trump and Biden Records,” “the Supreme Court,” “the Economy,” “Covid-19,” “Race and Violence in our Cities” (not a terrible framing at all, Chris!), and “the Integrity of the Election” (hahahahaha).
But at Jezebel, our official topic for tonight’s debate is—drugs. Specifically, are these two septuagenarians on any (I hope so, for their sakes and ours!), and more importantly, what drugs will we choose to get us through what promises to be a terrible evening, devoid of insight? (Shrooms.)
Will Trump’s head explode into flames and then detach from his body? Will Biden magically transform into his true self, a vintage muscle car, and vroom-vroom off the stage? Will this debate even matter?
Join us to find out!