Behold the Glorified Craft Fair Disaster That Is Miley Cyrus' 'Art'

GOD HELP US ALL, Miley Cyrus wants to be an artist now.

On Wednesday, Cyrus unleashed her much ~~dreaded~~ anticipated “art exhibit” upon the world, courtesy of New York’s Fashion Week and designer Jeremy Scott. The Guardian provided a pretty excellent summation of went all went down at the unveiling:

Scott, who now designs for Moschino as well as his own line, is fashion’s biggest club kid. Their highly anticipated collaboration, a series of accessories titled Dirty Hippy, debuted on Wednesday at Jeremy Scott’s New York fashion week show. To be blunt, the pieces look like they’re made of kids’ toys and plastic beads. A bit EDM, a bit shampoo from the 90s. You can imagine it being worn en masse by thousands of kids at a Skrillex rave.

If you have ever wondered what the hell to do with a bunch leftover ecstasy and Halloween candy and a few coupons for free arts and crafts kits from the Iowa State 4-H fair, look no further than the “art” of Miley Cyrus, displayed during this show.

How to even describe this project? If Doctor Moreau got hold of a box of DOTS and genetically fused it with a Bratz doll, this is abomination that would occur.

This is why you don’t have a “Burning Man” arts and crafts theme at a nursing home. There appears to be a bag of Sugar Babies glued to this one. It’s like she got the munchies, sent out for candy and just slapped the empty bag on the damn thing. “LOL RECYCLIN’ Y’ALL!” This is what would happen if you fed meth to the Snorks and set them loose in a Hobby Lobby:

What looks to be a sad, half-assed Bedazzled bong doubling as a flower pot actually has a very significant meaning. This is constructed out of fetish charms created from the souls of those the ancient cosmic entity known as “M’ail’ey S’ai’rus” has consumed over the many centuries since its spawning. (“M’ail’ey S’ai’rus,” sometimes known as “Yogg-Sairu.”)

An ancient prophecy states that once forged in its completion, this piece will become a weapon of unimaginable power which will unleash a wave of nightmarish demonic ghouls upon this planet that will rip the flesh from our bones and leave our souls suspended in a permanent state of terror and pain. Thankfully, this one doesn’t have enough plastic hippie flowers on it yet to fulfill the prophecy.

Miley Cyrus Art Process: PUT MORE SHIT ON IT. DOES IT HAVE A GLITTER-SPLATTERED ICE-CREAM CONE WITH A STAR ON IT? THEN MY ART IS NOT COMPLETE, DAMMIT. I’m pretty sure when she got the idea to “make art,” she just stumbled into a Michael’s craft store and said “JUST GIVE ME ONE OF EACH, K THANKS.” Somewhere there is a distraught group of kindergartners, crying over where all their pipe cleaner and mini pom-poms went.

This is a ceremonial ‘M’ai’ley S’ai’rus’ ceremonial bear mask, worn during the ritual bloodletting rite of passage, when followers of her Instagram page are rounded up and pitted in a fight to the death. Only the bravest warriors who can type “MILEY IS A GENIUS ALL YOU HATERS ARE JUST OLD AND UGLY” fastest with the most typos can leave the arena and earn the true title of S’ai’rus’ kindred.

You can also use the bear mask to hide your shame when people find out that you went to a Miley Cyrus art show.

“Dude. Check me out. I made so much art. I put like, ALL THE ART, up in here.”

When reached for comment, Billy Ray Cyrus said his daughter’s art was “Damn nice!” and definitely “going right up on the refrigerator!”

FYI this “art” will also be featured in V Magazine, for those who need conclusive proof that print publications will desperately cater to any celebrity’s whim in order to promote themselves as “cutting edge.”