Don't tell me love is dead. If it were, how would you explain the true and romantic story of how Bear Grylls proposed to his wife; how he hid a ring all the way up his buttcrack and then, when the couple was almost drowning while swimming, presented her with a chocolate diamond.

There is actually no proof that the ring was a chocolate diamond, but come on, if you're going to hide it up your ass, you might as well go all the way, right? What else are you going to put up there? A princess-cut lapis lazuli? I think not.

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Grylls appeared on Piers Morgan's Life Stories last week to tell the taille of his proposal to Shara Knight: (I need to point out that this happened awhile ago in internet time, but I am never not going to report on things stuck up butts when they come to my attention. Never.)

From Uproxx:

"I pulled out the ring from my butt cheeks," he recalled. "She was standing there going, 'What are you doing?' She was in a towel and a massive Atlantic roller came and I went, 'Will you…' — and it went — took me up to the beach."

"I had all the seaweed and I was spinning around," he related. "So I tried it again and in this sort of moment of heavy sedation she said yes."

I have so many questions:

  • How big is the ring?
  • How far up his buttcheeks did it go?
  • Did he have to fart it out?
  • What would have happened if it got stuck up there?
  • Why?
  • Did it smell?
  • Why?
  • Is someone wearing the ring right now?
  • Why?

Thank you.

Image via Getty