Batshit Sorority Pledge Email 'Cannot Stress How Important Spanx Are'Latest
It’s Rush Week at many colleges and universities, a special, meaningful time for bonding, sisterhood, meeting some new best friends and IF YOU DO NOT APPLY MAKEUP I WILL DO IT FOR YOU. I don’t care if you’re late for class. I will stop you.
That’s the message from a truly delightful and entirely unhinged email we received from an anonymous tipster, which outlines the appearance guidelines for the women of the Alpha Chi Omega chapter at University of Southern California.
The directives break down each and every way the AXO ladies need to look their best during “polish week,” the week before they start meeting potential new members (dubbed PNMs in the email). That includes a tireless commitment to full makeup, waxing, Spanx, non-visible roots (and no hair colors “not found in nature,” obvs). The email was sent in 2013 and the letter-writer, who we won’t identify out of kindness, has graduated, but, our tipster adds, “They’re definitely still doing it.”
Here are some of the most cogent pearls of beauty wisdom; the full email is at the bottom. All bolds are mine for emphasis, all capital letters were in the original.
I cannot stress how important spanx are to make you look your best. Even if you are very thin, Spanx will give you a better “line” when you wear clothes (no awkward bumps!) Plus you don’t have to worry about sucking in all the time or being bloated!
On Head Hair
Remember: your hair needs to be one normal color. No crazy ombre, no color you wouldn’t see in nature. (Also, if you’re thinking about going from blonde to black or vice versa, do so after recruitment. You won’t know for sure what it will look like, and if you hate it/your hairstylist does a bad job, that won’t fly.) You cannot have roots during recruitment, so if you dye your hair like me, please take care of that before arriving back to school.
And here, a picture of Drew Barrymore with brown roots is inserted, along with the word “NOPE.”
On Eyebrow Hair
Eyebrows shape your face. Bad eyebrows will make you look less beautiful than you actually are! Your eyebrows need to look neat (as in not messy) for recruitment. I know “full” eyebrows are in style right now, but “full” does not mean “BUSHY” or “WILD.”… Alternatively, if you have SPARSE eyebrows then you need to fill them in.
On Health (meaning thinness)
Being sick or feeling gross during recruitment sucks. Start eating healthy today and you’ll feel so much better by the time polish week and recruitment starts. Stay away from fried and super sugary foods. Your face will seriously brighten up. Also, exercise. Start now and you’ll have way more energy and endurance for the long hours of recruitment.
On Hair Styling (NO WAVES)
For recruitment, your hair has to be curly or straight. No waves. In this case, you either need to have a curling iron (for our curly gals) or a flat iron (or a blow dryer if you have pin straight flat hair and you’re super good with hair so you can blow your hair out.) Don’t count on other girls letting you borrow theirs or doing your hair for you because then she’s going to have no time for herself because she’s stuck doing everyone else’s hair (God bless [redacted]). If you’re not good with these tools, now is the time to practice. Note: if you have straight hair and you want to wear it curly, don’t. Your hair needs to be able to hold for 15 hr days and hairspray crunchy or limp hair is not acceptable. Also, get some heat protectant and shine spray. Damaged, frizzy hair is not going to attract PNMs. If you have bangs, they need to be styled correctly. If they’re long and you’re afraid they’re going to be in your face the whole time, get some bobbi pins that match your hair color (except on house tours day/door chant, obvi). We don’t want to look “emo” or like we’re actually trying to flirt with PNMs by touching our hair all the time.
You need to have foundation, concealer, something pinky/neutral for the lips (stain, gloss, etc), BLOT POWDER/OIL BLOTTERS, eyeliner (BLACK or BROWN only), mascara, neutral eyeshadows, bronzer, and (optional but recommended) blush. If you are not wearing the required makeup, I will stop you and apply it myself. I don’t care if you’re late for class. I don’t care if you’re a sophomore or a super senior. I will stop you. If you don’t know how to apply all this makeup, check out my Pinterest board. I picked out all the videos and products with you guys in mind!
Neutral pinks, french manicures (toes can be a little brighter but no blue or green, etc.) GET GELS. It’s a great investment. Your nails will not chip and that’s one less thing to worry about.
On Glasses (Don’t wear them, obvi)
We would like to strongly encourage that you wear contacts during recruitment. Obviously if that is not an option for you or if you are uncomfortable doing so it is by no means mandatory. However, we want the PNMs to be able to see your lovely eyes the best they can and strongly encourage wearing contacts over glasses. Poking your eyes is worth it just this once, promise!
On Social Media
Please make your profile pics, cover photos, etc. something cute and Alpha Chi. Don’t use a picture where we’re making ugly faces or are in a visibly not sober state!
That does indeed cover every square inch, doesn’t it? Anyone else feel like you need a nap? Or suddenly like dyeing your hair, nails and pubes a brilliant emerald green?
Got more Rush Week tips? Email us.
Image via screengrab/Party Rock Records