Ball-Grabbers & "Pickpocket Terrorists:" Tough Old Broads Of 2008

Illustration for article titled Ball-Grabbers & "Pickpocket Terrorists:" Tough Old Broads Of 2008

Recent news: An 88-year-old woman in Portland, Oregon scared off a naked male intruder on Tuesday by giving his privates the squeeze. Let's take a look back at the other tough-as-balls older women of 2008.


• Recently, an 81-year-old woman in Scotland knocked down a would-be mugger from his bicycle when he tried to grab her purse.

• Earlier this month, a 70-year-old woman reportedly gave birth to her first child after undergoing IVF treatment.

• A few months ago, authorities in Blue Ash, Ohio announced that they were dropping petty theft charges against an 89-year-old female curmudgeon who kept a child's ball after it landed in her yard. A victory this year for mean old women everywhere.

• In August, an 87-year-old grandma in New York said she "wasn't scared" when she beat up a man who attempted to mug her. The woman, Elizabeth Maropoulos, was well-known at her local bar for not putting up with troublemakers.


• Also in August, an 85-year-old woman held her 17-year-old male intruder hostage with her gun when he broke into her home in Pennsylvania.


• In July, a grandmother offered a drunk male intruder a beer after he broke into and attacked the woman and her daughter in their California home. The beer calmed the intruder and he was eventually arrested.


• Also in July, a 55-year-old grandma chased off two robbers with claw hammers and a push broom. This one comes complete with pictures!


• But don't think that grandmas are always get robbed, sometimes they rob other people! Take, for example, the grandma "pickpocket terrorist" from New York who had been previously arrested 73 times on various charges. In October the woman was picked up by police, whom she told that she was a resident of the White House. Oh, okay. Sure.


• On the more horrible end of the criminal grandma spectrum: two 70-something widows were convicted in April of befriending and killing two homeless men whom they used for life insurance that they took out on the men. They collected a total of $2.8 million in insurance money.


• Finally, this (probably fake) viral video is the classic "tough old broad attacks asshole" example. In it, a man talks about seeing four old women beat up a guy who crashes into their car. Again, it is almost certainly a fake re-telling, but if these news stories are any indication, senior ladies are not to be fucked with:

Ore. Woman, 88, Gives Naked Intruder The 'Squeeze' [AP]
Granny, 81, Fought Mugger [UPI]


Erin Gloria Ryan

This is all well and good, but where are the stories of babies beating people up? I've witnessed dozens of incidents of infants kicking people or grabbing noses and violently twisting, screaming in the face of adults until they get what they want, and even going so far as to defecate into their own clothing to garner attention. Baby terror must stop in 2009. I have made it my personal quest.