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Bald Dudes And You: 6 Male Patterns To Discuss

Illustration for article titled Bald Dudes And You: 6 Male Patterns To Discuss

Sunday's Page Six Magazine offers up a first-person Balding Dudes and the Bonerkilling Drugs They Take To Stop Balding So They Can Get More Women To Embark Upon Unsatisfying Sex Romps With Them. Of course, by "investigate" I mean "not really," since it's Page Six Magazine and the story is basically that the author, Jeff Novich, starts balding, then spends five grand on Propecia, but gets neurotic when he hears that Propecia is supposed to lower your sex drive, I guess because baldness is linked to an overabundance of testosterone in your hair follicles, so in addition to Propecia, a lot of guys use Viagra and just learn to deal with sex lasting longer. Jeff even uses it as a pickup line (i.e. "I've never experienced any impotence problems, but don't take my word for it.") (Yeah, it didn't work.) Anyway, there are a few obvious discussion topics here, starting with "What is it about bald dudes?" moving all the way down to… "Doesn't Jeff know that getting Propecia covered is one of the easiest forms of insurance fraud known to modern emasculated man?


1. Some women like bald dudes. Some women like any imperfections in the dudes they are dating, as imperfections are humanizing, and women like to relate to men as humans, even though men persist in fooling themselves into thinking women are mystical creatures that they have to "seduce" with an arsenal of rhetorical and sensual skills.

2. Bald dudes are worse about this. I don't know why. The comforting thing about a bald dude is that baldness is one of the few biological justifications we have for having to be "the pretty sex." I mean, we're the ones who bleed and bear children and get cellulite, but at least we don't go bald, so baldness at least does its part to counteract the paradoxical injustices of gender roles.


3. According to some study, women perceive balding men to be more mature. And statesmanlike, and less given to typical juvenile male behavior. This is a total load of crap.

4. I once went on a plastic surgery junket and saw video footage of numerous hair transplant surgeries. Oh my god was it gross. And seriously, you get, like, thousands of stitches. And it looks better than plugs…but. It's also thousands of dollars. I'd say it could be a good thing for the dude population to reach plastic surging expenditure parity with women, but…No. It would not.

5. Shaving the head. Worked for Harry Goldblatt, and most black men. I don't endorse, in part because I kind of think any dude who shaves that often would expect me to shave more often, but you can discuss amongst yourselves.

6. Propecia isn't covered by insurance. As Jeff notes. But Proscar is. And it's the same thing! Just manufactured in bigger doses for enlarged prostates. Which you'll have eventually anyway, right?

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Not every guy looks good with a shaved head. When I shaved mine I looked more like a mass murderer than Capt. Picard. Plus it made my generously sized ears even more prominant. I was going to go for the close-cropped look, but my fiancee doesnt' want me to. She likes to have enough there to grab on to. I'll go with what she prefers since she's the one who has to look at me.