Baking With Your iPad Is Bad For You

There are a lot of things going wrong in this world: dead satellites are hurtling toward our houses, innocent people are being executed, and the bands of our youth are calling it quits. In fact, there is so much to be upset about that it’s almost impossible to keep track of it all. Luckily, the New York Times is here to help—and not just by constantly reminding you about your dwindling fertility. They’ve issued a dire new warning about the shortage of quality baking apps for your phone. Uh huh.

Bet you didn’t even know that there is a dangerously low supply of good dessert recipes available to you on your mobile device, but reporter Bob Tedeschi is here to tell you all about it. He’s done the legwork and discovered that in fact there are only, like, two good baking apps! And they’re only for Apple users! And even the best one, Baking with Dorie, has problems!

“One downside to the app is that because it contains three hours of video, it took about an hour to download on a high-speed connection. I’d suggest downloading it overnight so you don’t tie up your home’s bandwidth.”

You think that’s bad? Wait until you learn the truth about the Food Network’s lackluster In the Kitchen app:

“[Y]ou’re essentially paying $2 for the right to find celebrity recipes. … You might expect some video tips from the Food Network, but they’re not here. Indeed, you can’t always expect a picture of the dish.”

Damn, why are all these apps so mediocre? Do we need a government program to encourage innovation in the baking app sector? Or maybe we need the government to stop stifling app developers by taxing them? Better yet, let’s not even bother with any of these newfangled apps and just buy some old-fashioned Entenmann’s instead.

Whoops, actually, just kidding! According to a new study, eating a lot of carbs is a terrible idea. Researchers at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology have found that “eating a diet high in carbohydrates can wreak havoc on gene expression, increasing your risk of inflammation, cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, cancer and dementia.” So, basically, eating those nice, carb-heavy homemade pies is like the worst thing you could do to yourself. In fact, your chances of being killed by a tasty sweet treat are actually far higher than your chances of having a satellite crash through your roof or even probably your chances of being executed (depending on which party wins the election in 2012).

Phew! Looks like this dearth of baking apps is actually a blessing in disguise. If we know what’s good for us we will delete all the crappy dessert apps from our iPads and put the delicious Chocolate Fudge Cake back on the shelf. Or maybe we will just have a few bites of the cake and then put it away. I mean, as Ina Garten might say if the darn Food Network app included any video, “A little bit of diabetes, how bad can that be?”