B-List Celebrity Book Covers Are All the Same: They're 'Having It All'

Candace Cameron Bure (aka D.J. from Full House aka the woman who definitely was not going to win Dancing with the Stars this season, not with Olympic skater Meryl Davis in the mix) is just trying to explain how she works at Balancing It All. And like many before her, Candace has figured out that there’s no better way to do that than to depict herself trying to balance it all on the cover of her book.

Candace doesn’t stand alone, juggling like a lone reed. She’s part of a long line of reality TV stars/former childhood stars who’ve written books about having it all with covers that present their lives as beautiful struggles. Like Tori Spelling, whose covers feature her surrounded by children, holding unexplainable props that are supposed to indicate that she’s just barely holding it together (with perfect hair).

Or Brandi Glanville, whose tendency to hold things on her books actually sparked some controversy on this past season of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. You see, the stylist and photographer for Brandi’s second book shoot decided that for Glanville’s second book, they should try to show “the supermom with the frying pan and no makeup” on the cover. “There’s more to me than just a party girl. I’m a mother of two and I work at the school and I drive carpool and I go grocery shopping and I put kids in timeouts for cussing, thank you,” said Brandi.

Unfortunately, Brandi’s new book editor didn’t like the idea they were going with, which was to try to get Brandi holding as many things as she could. (“Like you’re trying to hold them but you can’t,” was the direction Brandi got.) “The book is about relationships,” Nancy the book editor said, and so the cover ended up with Brandi holding some very high stilettos.

If you’re Melissa Joan Hart, juggling looks like you reading a magazine article about yourself with a pile of kids stuff underneath your director’s chair. Same goes for Kyle Richards, who sits in a gown on her kitchen counter being filmed while her youngest daughter makes a mess below her. Our friend Candace Cameron Bure made things a little more traditional; on her cover, she’s just a regular Susie Homemaker, down to the very last dog.

An ideal modern woman “has it all.” An ideal modern celebrity pretends they’ve figured out how to have it all by literally painting a picture of what “having it all” looks like on the cover of their ghostwritten memoir.