Average Lady's Handbag Contains $2K Worth Of Crap, Says Dubious Survey

A British luxury retailer has surveyed its female customers and found that every day, women tote around almost $2,000 worth of junk on their arms. Yep — those big ass purses combined with all of the lady flotsam contained therein are worth more than most people’s monthly rent. I guess I’m doing a shitty job at being a woman, because my purse is filled with trash.

According to the UK’s Telegraph, retailer John Lewis came to the ridiculous-sounding $2,000 figure by compiling a list of “handbag essentials” and adding the cost of the list to the cost of the company’s most popular handbag. Here’s a partial list:

– Ted Baker black tote, $400
-John Lewis Emma purse, $48.14
– Somerset by Alice Temperley scarf, $78.63
– 64GB iPad mini, $800
– John Lewis leather gloves, $56.16
– Ray-Ban sunglasses, $208
– Chanel Coco Mademoiselle, $88.25

“Essentials.” It seems like it’s “essential” that women carrying these monstrous bags must be wealthy enough to carry around an $80 scarf like it’s just normal.

Curious, I went to my own purse to determine if my “essentials” were anything like the fancy lady essentials over in The Motherland.

TopShop purse I bought because I spilled salsa on my other purse that I liked better: $75
A&D ointment that I’m supposed to be continually applying to the tattoo I got the other week: $4.99
10 bobby pins still on the Goody cardboard: maybe $1?
Shitty, shitty looking red leather wallet I bought in Mexico City in 2009 but haven’t thrown away because ugh it still works perfectly fine: $sentimental aka like $10
Small black business card case containing outdated business cards and my dad’s press card from 2006: $15
Oh my god a pair of clean underwear what the fuck am I doing with my life (I think I was planning on going to the gym? My god.): $12
Maybelline Great Lash mascara in Very Black: $5.99
L’oreal eye shadow palate #527: $7
Burt’s Bees tinted lip balm: $5
Photo booth picture of me and two other lady writers from the Center for Reproductive Rights gala.
1 emergency tampon $0.25
Nike performance socks $14
50 gum wrappers: $0
Dozens and dozens of coffee receipts: $0

TOTAL: $145.23. When you toss in my cell phone (the British figure doesn’t include the cost of a cell phone), that total ticks up a bit — but it’s still less than a quarter of what I’m SUPPOSED to be carrying around.

I asked Kate Dries to send me her bag total, and she wasn’t much better at lady-ing than I am.

I should also note that Kate’s purse is like three times the size of mine. I should also apologize to Ms. Dries for outing her as a mom umbrella thief to the whole internet. Sorry, Kate.

So, LADIES! Let’s talk purses. Whose is most disgusting? Who among us is the fanciest? And does this survey of “handbag essentials” sound like some romcom protagonist fantasy bullshit or what?