Emily Alford's saved articles

You could get a job as a coffin builder! I’m assuming there is no requirement that you use your own products. 

I like and hereby cosign the theory that these two women are not feuding at all, but rather their husbands are fighting among each other, for reasons entirely due to William’s infidelity with the Mary Poppins of Chimichanga. Read more

Actor Peter Mayhew, best known for playing Chewbacca in Star Wars, has died.

Yes! I mean, cheese is often covered in mold *on purpose*! I have no problem with this.

Anyone who throws a block of parm away instead of just scraping the moldy parts is a fool!

I mean, I really don’t understand why they’re not discussed more in those pregnancy classes. I certainly wish I’d been more prepared for them.

I remember those days, when my wife would get clogged milk ducks.  I’d make some hot compresses, and I’d have to chase the little bastards around the living room, finally pinning them down and trying to hold the warm wash cloths and hot water bottles onto the squirmy, squishy little guys. Then after a few minutes, my… Read more

Good news, she has seen the error of her ways! This apology is 100% sincere. Read more

Where are all the comments? I thought for sure I’d get a chuckle before bed. Is everyone too busy learning German?

You know, shutting the fuck up is always free, Barb.

Emily’s Mom: Looks across table at friends playing bridge and sips drink “Fuck, I got shitcanned today!” Read more

But if you have a baby, you can’t be the baby

Haha I definitely played Ross Perot. Your memories are correct. Read more

Men are really not sending us their best people. 

I wholeheartedly believe everyone has their own unique health as is evidenced by the man that lived past 100 despite only eating bread dipped in bacon grease. (what did he do with the bacon?) So who knows, maybe a corset and Cheetos is the right choice for you.

...was enough to make me shrug “fair enough,” and like a movie I probably would have criticized a couple of years ago. Read more

The “Gay Latino Immigrant” has spoken:

Oh boy this is a real team no one situation right here.