In news that has shaken me to my very core, a man in Graz, Austria was bitten by a five-foot-long python in his apartment on Monday. Now you might be asking yourself, how did he encounter a python inside his home? Well, prepare yourself, because it was laying in wait......... INSIDE HIS TOILET BOWL.
Imagine: plodding to the bathroom early in the morning, still mildly groggy because your bladder woke you up mid-REM cycle, sitting on the toilet to pee, and being bit by a large and dangerous snake that’s hanging inside your toilet bowl. This story has literally unlocked a whole new level of nightmares!!
The 65-year-old victim “felt a ‘nip’ in the genital area” shortly after sitting on the toilet at home in Graz just after 6 a.m., according to a statement from police in Styria province. He then looked into the toilet and discovered the albino reticulated python.
It’s shocking that the next line wasn’t “he immediately injured himself in his rush to jump off the fucking toilet”!!!!
Luckily, pythons are non-venomous snakes, so a little bite won’t kill you. No, pythons are constrictors, which means they prefer to coil around their prey and squeeze it to death, before opening up their jaws and literally swallowing their prey whole. Not only can these terrifying monsters grow to be 20-25 feet long, but they also love to eat mammals! Apparently, reticulated pythons can kill and swallow a human being in just about “the length of time it takes to watch an episode of Games of Thrones.”
The python in question apparently found its way into the man’s toilet after escaping from a neighbor’s apartment—it’s not entirely sure how the snake escaped, but a potential theory is that it SLITHERED THROUGH THE DRAINS. The snake’s owner, a 24-year-old man, reportedly had “11 non-venomous constrictor snakes and a gecko” in his apartment, which if you ask me sounds like a few too many! The neighbor is currently being investigated on charges of causing bodily harm by negligence, which sounds about right.
Anyway, my feelings on snakes can best be summed up by this little ditty from Bob’s Burgers:
Good luck trying to feel comfortable sitting on a toilet ever again!