Attention Fellow Fatties: Halloween Candy is Now Seventy-Five Percent Off

What’s up, my brothers and sisters in fat arms! Apparently Halloween candy is a super steal at Duane Reade so if you live near one, I really hope you didn’t read past the headline. In fact, if you’re still reading, I hate you, go away. Candy and bargain are honestly my two favorite words, and together? Excuse my vociferous orgasming, I’m but a woman.