To the Publishers of Nicki Minaj's 2015 Calendar,
Hello. You may not know me, but I am a "blogger" for the website Jezebel dot com. We often post pictures of Nicki Minaj, the subject of your Nicki Minaj 2015 Calendar, but strangely, I haven't personally achieved the fame that Nicki has. I acknowledge that fact. Which is why it is with great sadness that I also acknowledge that it makes sense that you didn't call me and ask me to model for Nicki Minaj's 2015 Calendar, available when you preorder her new album The Pinkprint.
Right now you're probably trying to cut me off. You're yelling at your computer, Kate! But you attended the same high school as Nicki Minaj! You walked the same hallowed halls as she did, you ate lunch in the same windowless cafeteria, you snuck out of the same back door to cut class! We almost asked you to model for this Nicki Minaj 2015 Calendar.
Well first off, just to clarify, I never snuck out of that door, I only knew about it. But more importantly, I get it.
I don't own a gun, real or fake.
I also don't own an American flag (and in the spirit of honesty, am not very patriotic).
My bathtub would need a really thorough cleaning before this photo could be attempted – and even so, I'm not sure it's fancy enough for this shot.
I just got my hair cut and it's not long enough to cover my nipples.
I do love and support firefighters.
And I also dabble in free weights, but over the weekend I wore high heels with shorter heels than these and a few of my toes are still numb. A quick Google search revealed that I may have short-term nerve damage and I'm sure my physician would recommend that I stick to flats for the time being.
Last but certainly not least, it may surprise you to learn that I am not Nicki Minaj, rapper, pop star, model and general badass bitch around town. Therefore it would likely be confusing for all of our fans to see photos of me in a calendar that bears her name.
Thank you for your understanding,