Asshole Cats Acknowledge Your Existence in Imperceptible Ways

Everyone knows that cats are fickle beasts. They love whoever feeds them, but even if you shower them with love and affection, they’ll eat you when you die. As a certified member of Team Cat, one of the biggest reasons I love cats is because they don’t give a shit. You can train a dog to do all sorts of humiliating dog tricks, but cats basically roll their eyes and continue to pretend you don’t exist if you ask them to, say, come sit by you for a minute because you spend hundreds of dollars on them and are emotionally invested in their well being. Why do you keep walking away from me when you know that I love you, cat?! Cat! Please don’t leave me!

Surprise, surprise: It turns out cats actually care — just barely, mind you — about their owners. A new study from The University of Tokyo has found that domesticated cats recognize their owners voices, indicated through subtle communicative behaviors, like moving their ears towards their voices and dilating their pupils. Whereas dogs not only recognize but worship their owners, even after not seeing them for months at a time, cats show that they kind of recognize you by widening their pupils. Nothing beats the feeling of coming home and seeing your cat dilate its pupils to let you know you’re loved.

The reason why cats are such aloof assholes has to do with evolution (duh). Being forthcoming with one’s cat emotions in the wild was not welcomed because predators would pick on weak kitties, so instead of showing any emotional vulnerability, cats remained kind of detached and hard to read. Sounds like me in middle school.