Ask Men Has 12 Ways To Steal Your Heart, Ladies

Perhaps the only thing more irritating than a Game-playing bro is the shit he reads to prepare him for a hot night of mindfuckery and general douchiness, like this one, courtesy of Ask Men:

Written by a “Pickup Specialist” known as—what else—”The Player,” the article claims to provide “12 Golden Rules For Picking Up Women,” and I’m not sure what’s more depressing: the fact that these “rules” exist, or the fact that I’m sure they’ve worked at least once or twice. Bummertown to the max, you guys.

Let’s take a look at a few of this bro-tastic rules, shall we?

1. Always Be Mentally Ready To Pick Up:

Remember: Women don’t expect to be hit on as they go about their daily lives, and, therefore, they are that much more flattered when it happens.

The player wants you to be on your toes, bro, ready to hit on women at say, the grocery store, or the mall, or the pharmacy, you know, places where people go to do shit that doesn’t involve getting harassed by some creepo who keeps trying to make the checkout line at Subway into Studio 54. Can I give you some advice, dude-bros? Women DO actually expect dudes like you to creep on them while they’re just trying to buy some damn Cascade and a bag of Tostitos. Because you are what is known, in girl circles, as “skeevy.” You know, the kind of dude who confuses “being hit on” with “harassment” and “being flattered” with “being really fucking annoyed.”

2. Don’t Use Pickup Lines:

Pickup lines smell bad and make women groan, not moan. Let the situation dictate your approach. To seem — and actually be — spontaneous, commenting on something she’s wearing or has been doing can work. For example, “I was just noticing how well your shoes show off your calves, and although I’m sure you’re already aware of this, sometimes it’s nice to get outside confirmation.”

Oh, dude, no. That is so sad! You really think we can’t smell that big bag of bullshit from 5 miles away? It doesn’t have to be “you’ve been running through my mind all day” to come off as a corny, stupid pick-up line. Maybe you should drop the whole game act altogether and, I don’t know, actually try to treat the woman as a person and engage her in an actual conversation? I know it’s not as awesome as walking around in a furry hat bought at Spencer Gifts in 1997 and acting like you’re God’s gift to vagina, but it just might work.

3. Don’t Fear Rejection:

Imagine that you’re just approaching this woman to have a conversation, not to bang her.

Imagine that!!!

4. Read Her Body Language:

Just remember that, like you, if she fidgets or taps things, she’s nervous in an uncomfortable — i.e. potentially uninterested — way. If she licks her lips (consciously or not), runs her hands through or shakes out her hair, or, one of my favorites, plays with her earlobe, she’s sending you buying signals.

“Buying signals.” Because she is an object. To be bought. And discarded. High fives, bro!

7. Use Negative Hits:

You might use a compliment in your initial contact, but that should be it for a while. After that, mix in a few negative hits, especially if she’s good-looking (which, if you’re hitting on her, she must be, right?), just to keep her honest and her ego in check.
For example, “I guess you’re trying to join the (insert celebrity name here) club when it comes to hairstyles. I’ve seen a lot of women with a similar style, but I must say it suits you a lot better than most.”

The funniest part about dudes who buy into this shit is that they’re delusional enough to believe that women haven’t heard about “negging,” which is essentially the cornerstone of Game, in general. It’s such an old fucking move at this point that it’s akin to asking someone what their sign is, or pretending to yawn at the movie theater, or stopping short to get to second base. Get some new fucking moves, bros. Your Game is about as innovative as Connect fucking Four.

8. Don’t Lie:

Always be honest about your intentions, although not blunt. Use euphemisms; instead of coming out and saying, “I’m seeing other women at the same time as you.” Instead, put it this way: “I really like that you’re a fun person, because that’s what I need right now — somebody to just have a good, casual time with.”

Or, you can be REALLY honest and say, “I really don’t value who you are as a human being. I just want to fuck you and tell my bros about it, so I can feel better about myself. I have a constant need to overcompensate for getting ignored by girls in middle and high school, and since I never brushed that giant chip off my shoulder, I’ve decided to become a raging misogynist who wants to make women feel like shit because deep down, I feel like shit and want everyone else to feel the same way. Also, I have really bad taste in clothes. Like, awful. Sorry.”

12. Think Of Your Strengths In The Eyes Of Your Prey:

If the fact is that you don’t know the latest Jay-Z track, or that your hairline is doing a backward shuffle, just remember that these things don’t necessarily matter as much to women, especially those interested in your other experiential qualities.

Translation: Remember, it’s not your own personal flaws you need to work on. You’re fucking awesome! It’s those bitches that are holding you back. Fuck the ones who don’t like you. They’re garbage. Now get out there and only bang the hottest, coolest women around. You deserve nothing less, because you’re a man, and that makes you perfect.

While I’m sure many bros will read, and use, these tips at some point, I’d like to offer a 13th golden rule for them to consider: TREAT WOMEN LIKE HUMAN BEINGS. Consider that the fact that you even need to read a guide on how to pick up chicks might spring from the fact that women are avoiding you not because of your physical appearance or your inability to keep up with trends, but because you’re emanating a creepy, misogynistic, controlling vibe that they can pick up from miles away. Women are not your prey. They’re not flattered when you drool all over their calves in the grocery store. Maybe if you considered the real golden rule and started treating women with the respect you expect to receive in return, you wouldn’t need to turn to some douche for advice on your love life. “The Player” may think he has all the answers, but dude, seriously? His shit is played out.