Are You Depressed? Introducing The New, Celeb Depression Checklist!

Remember when you could say, "I'm depressed" and not mean "I'm in need of a prescription for a pharmaceutical with a side-order of mild weight loss"??? No? (God, we're old). Anyway, color us alarmed: Some cases of "depression" may be misdiagnosed cases of normal bummed-outness. According to a report released today, the "checklists" doctors are given in order to root out cases of depression are inaccurately diagnosing as "depressed" people who simply have shitty lives. (Big pharma: "Doh!")

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But this leaves us with the question, how do you know if you're actually depressed? Looking for answers, we turned to the world's boldfaced names for help (after all, the rich and famous get depression all the time — something about all the money and adulation and regular exercise, we guess) and decided to devote our energies today to rewriting the depression checklist based on their struggles. Our first depressed celebrity? Rosie O'Donnell.

As the Times story teaches us, death of a loved one does not equal depression. But for Rosie O'Donnell, the death of a dozen random strangers thousands of miles away did. After the student massacre at Columbine, in fact, she began taking out her malaise on other celebrities:

She said her emotional state was at its worst in her infamous television interview with Tom Selleck two years ago, when she blasted him for appearing in an ad for the National Rifle Association.

It got so bad she couldn't watch Rugrats!

Her son came in with a Rugrats video and said, "There are no guns in it. Do you want to watch it?"

But she got over it, with the help of meds and creative use of a sex swing she does not actually use for sex since 1. the drugs take away your libido and 2. Ew, right?

Our takeaways: To be truly depressed, you must also be:

1. Strangely and completely affected by news stories unrelated to your immediate existence
2. Willing to give up sex
3. Crazy!

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Many Diagnoses of Depression May Be Misguided [NYTimes]
How Rosie O'Donnell Beat Depression [ABCNews]
Rosie: I hang upside down every night to fight depression [Fox]

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