Are Men Going Extinct? I Fucking Hope Not!

Did you hear the big news? Men are going extinct. Really really slowly, and probably only in theory, but extinct nonetheless! It has something to do with DNA and grammar (more on that in a minute) and it obviously will never actually happen. But can you imagine what a world without men would actually be like? No more men would automatically mean no more patriarchy—finally with this shit—which means I could, at long last, live my dream of changing antihistamines (problematic!) to antiHERstamines. And we could all go out and get HERstorectomies (don’t need them uteruses anymore anyway!) and I would literally never shave my legs again. Girl power! Wooo! But seriously though, on closer examination, a world without men would be pretty shitty. Let’s discuss.

If you’re not turned off by SCIENCE, this actually-pretty-accessible-and-conversational Slate piece explains how men’s XY chromosomal structure is making their DNA shittier and shittier with each generation. Basically (please now enjoy my pseudo-scientific floundering—I did get As in chemistry AND physics, BTW!), certain palindromic DNA strands, like CTAGCTAG and GATCGATC, are bad (bad!!!), because they get all kinked up and make it impossible for DNA to replicate (cell death! Bad!!!). But smart little DNA strands do this thing called “crossing over,” where the two chromosomes tenderly hug and trade their troublesome bits for the troublesome bits on their neighboring chromosome. Then, no more palindromes, and everyone’s healthy! Oh, except for dudes.

XX females can mend all their chromosomes this way, including both Xs. But in males, crossing over can’t eliminate any bum Y-chromosome DNA because the Y in XY males lacks a partner to trade with: If any mutations pop up, they’re stuck there. (The X in XY males also lacks a trading partner, of course, but only temporarily. Male Xs can still cross over in a future generation inside any XX female descendants. Ys never get that chance.) So whenever malignant DNA arose on Y in the past, cells essentially chopped that DNA out and threw it away. This in turn whittled Y down generation by generation. Once a proud chromosome, home to 1400 genes, Y has been reduced to a stub, with just two dozen or so genes today. And some biologists have predicted that Ys will keep getting chopped down and eventually disappear-perhaps making males disappear with them, since the Y houses the DNA needed to make male gonads.

Lame! RIP, dudes! Now, I’m sure kneejerk anti-feminist dickwads think that the eradication of men is exactly what we women mean by “plz can we have equal rights now thx.” Because logic. Oh noez! Men’s rights! Oppression! OPPRESSION! (If you’re worried about being eradicated, bro, talk to your DNA—not to me.) But, of course, those people are obviously just gigantic mewling infants pooping fake oppression into their rage diapers. Nobody actually wants men to be eradicated. Because a world without men would be fucking terrible.

Reasons Why a World Without Men Would Be Fucking Terrible

1. All jars would remain closed. Wait, feminism. 80% of jars would remain closed.

2. With no more patriarchy to complain about, I would be unemployed.

3. The NBA would be hella boring.

4. Reruns of Sinbad’s 1991 comedy special, “Men Do This, Women Do That,” would lose all meaning.

5. Good luck finding women to fill traditional “male” jobs, like being strong and jumping. (And say goodbye to Olympic Strong-Jumping.)

6. The Tomkat divorce would just be Katie Holmes walking around looking grumpy.

7. A vagina drawn on a bathroom wall really doesn’t have the same je ne sais quoi.

8. So many cats. Just so many cats. Cats everywhere. Because no more babies!!! Cats only! CATS!!!

9. The Lockhorns would be a comic about a woman with dementia screaming at an empty apartment to get a job.

10. Ann Coulter would continue to exist.

11. No more gay guys = no more anything fun.

12. The next Avengers movie would just be Scarlett Johanssen’s butt.

13. Some of my best friends are men. I mean, seriously. This list was really difficult to put together because—and I know this is going to seem like a stretch considering the fact that I just wrote items 1 through 12—I honestly believe that viewing people as individuals rather than as groups is a fundamental part of not being a terrible person. Obviously there are some vast patterns—testosterone and estrogen are potent shit—but no matter what Sinbad tells you, the idea that half the population does a thing is insane. Some people are a pain in the ass. Some people are funny. Some people are responsible. Some women have hella testosterone. Some men are female-bodied. Some men can’t open jars. Some gay guys are boring. So do I want an arbitrary 50% of the universe to disappear forever because of some hacky stereotypes that don’t even apply to my own life? OF COURSE NOT. I love men, because I love people. So get your shit together, DNA!