We're trying something new with our women's magazine critiques: An IM conversation between two Girlie Gawker editors over the relative merits — and demerits — of the titles we love to hate. First up, Anna and Moe dissect the struggling Marie Claire. Within: Ground Zero, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Biore Pore Strips. Plus, Kate Middleton, cover girl Sandra Oh, and misshapen, lumpy skulls.
MCDONALD'S MEETS MARIE CLAIRE
AHo (11:27:02 AM): Hey. So let's talk about the cover first.
Moe (11:27:15 AM): the saudered dress?
AHo (11:27:33 AM): The dress bothers me less than Sandra herself. I love her
Moe (11:27:36 AM): What is that expression Sandra Oh is making, exactly?
Moe (11:27:44 AM): like, "Oh!"
AHo (11:27:53 AM): Exactly. She looks quite horrified.
AHo (11:28:02 AM): Her mouth is smiling but her eyes aren't
AHo (11:28:21 AM): Also: the hair is too big.
Moe (11:28:24 AM): "I'm!
Moe (11:28:34 AM): So thrilled you saudered a dress just for me!!"
Moe (11:28:54 AM): Yeah the whole thing is just bad, bad bad
AHo (11:29:14 AM): The color scheme as well: I've read that red and yellow are colors that are supposed to induce hunger. Hence the color schemes of McDonalds, In n Out burger, etc.
Moe (11:29:40 AM): oh you're SO RIGHT... I totally bought dollar menu chicken nuggets RIGHT AFTER BUYING IT TOO.
Moe (11:29:43 AM): not a lie!
Moe (11:29:46 AM): two of them!
AHo (11:30:00 AM): Strange choice of colors. I don't mind being made hungry - I'm ALWAYS hungry. But this cover just makes me mildly nauseated.
AHo (11:30:04 AM): You did not.
Moe (11:30:04 AM): because two four piece nuggets are cheaper than one six piece...
Moe (11:30:18 AM): No, yes I did, I have the receipt.'
Moe (11:30:32 AM): So yeah, horrific cover.
AHo (11:30:32 AM): You know what those are made of, right? Chicken lips and assholes!
Moe (11:30:48 AM): whatever it is, six of them have 250 calories
Moe (11:30:57 AM): mostly fat and protein
AHo (11:31:01 AM): Okay let's move on. Check out that DKNY ad.
Moe (11:31:02 AM): I don't discriminate.
Moe (11:31:13 AM): Hm.
AHo (11:31:33 AM): I'm pushing it here but notice now the pointed negative space of the "N" in DKNY is pointing to Ground Zero?
Moe (11:31:46 AM): NOoooooooo
AHo (11:31:59 AM): And the other negative spaces in the "K" are pointing to the model's eyes and mouth.
AHo (11:32:08 AM): I get obsessive about design decisions. Sometimes.
Moe (11:32:11 AM): oh my god if you look really close you'll see a "666"....
Moe (11:32:18 AM): if you stare really hard
AHo (11:32:21 AM): Jersey City also seems to be getting a call-out.
AHo (11:32:34 AM): That's not a 666. That's Bush on his bullhorn.
Moe (11:32:35 AM): Hahaha, my roommate might move there. Sigh.
Moe (11:33:51 AM): So I would like to point out that they did something really clever and made up a new word, combining two previously familiar words, in the table of contents: Glamorexic!
JOANNA COLES CAN'T KICK IT
AHo (11:33:52 AM): ANYWAY. My next comment concerns the editor's letter.
Moe (11:34:50 AM): Sandra Oh, yeah!
Moe (11:34:54 AM): what?
Moe (11:34:57 AM): That's her kicker?
AHo (11:35:05 AM): Really bad. REALLY REALLY bad.
Moe (11:35:10 AM): She has to write one fucking thing all fucking month and she ends it Sandra Oh, yeah!
Moe (11:35:26 AM): It sounds better if you say it ohhhhhhhh, yeah, like that song that is in every eighties movie
AHo (11:35:39 AM): I wasn't too keen on the "Read it and be riveted" either. Don't fucking tell me what to do!
Moe (11:35:41 AM): she probably had that playing in her head while she was writing it
AHo (11:36:20 AM): Sorry but the phrase "Oh yeah" makes me think of ex-boyfriends' creepy stock phrases during sex.
FREE, UGLY CLOTHING & TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG
AHo (11:41:07 AM): That page of free stuff? Page 34? It's embarrassing.
AHo (11:41:13 AM): Lucky does free shit SO much better.
Moe (11:43:53 AM): Ok, so what about this Jodi Arnold Jacket they're giving away.. "worth $440"....
AHo (11:44:23 AM): not liking it
Moe (11:44:27 AM): or, uh, worth $4.40 because it got marked down so many times it's so butt ugly
AHo (11:44:41 AM): yes. i like that designer usually but not THAT
Moe (11:44:44 AM): imagine having to write that copy!
AHo (11:44:51 AM): that's really sloppy seconds
Moe (11:44:55 AM): "even yummier"
Moe (11:45:00 AM): for me to poop on!
AHo (11:45:03 AM): believe me: writing that sort of copy is difficult. and soul-crushing.
AHo (11:45:30 AM): did you ever see the triumph segment in which he went to the westminster kennel club dog show?
Moe (11:45:38 AM): NO
Moe (11:45:42 AM): OMG.
AHo (11:45:55 AM): let me find it on you tube. i am still shocked it didn't get yanked by the censors.
YANKS VS. FROGS
AHo (11:46:17 AM): what about this "america vs. france" page?
Moe (11:46:36 AM): Ok, first of all, ok, way to use a model to represent AMERICA named OLGA
AHo (11:46:43 AM): "indie heiress" "national treasure" "sex bomb" "pop tart" "sex incon" "political alpha female".
Moe (11:47:00 AM): oh too bad they couldn't put anna and carine roitfeld on there... sigh
Moe (11:47:08 AM): sorry that was a lou dobbs moment
Moe (11:47:14 AM): WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ALL THE AMERICAN MODELS
AHo (11:47:20 AM): four out of five of those categories are women who are actresses.
Moe (11:47:32 AM): that's funny. hahahahah
AHo (11:47:33 AM): so apparently the only women worth commenting on are: actresses and politicians.
Moe (11:47:42 AM): and then they put hillary on there
Moe (11:47:47 AM): like, come on.
AHo (11:47:56 AM): and i think the "pop tart" "sex bomb" and "sex icon" categories are a bit redundant.
Moe (11:48:15 AM): I bet pelosi was hotter than royal at the same age!!!
Moe (11:48:30 AM): the competition is stacked against us!!!
Moe (11:48:43 AM): it makes the french sound so fucking cool.
AHo (11:48:53 AM): well they kind of are
Moe (11:49:19 AM): hahaha traitor. no wait, what about the INCONSISTENCIES in their alleged habits???
Moe (11:49:33 AM): french women moisturize, moisturize, moisturize...
Moe (11:49:41 AM): and yet they DON'T use foundation, allegedly
Moe (11:49:51 AM): and yet they ALSO prefer a MATTE FINISH, allegedly
Moe (11:49:58 AM): HOW IS THAT SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE?
AHo (11:50:05 AM): powder?
Moe (11:50:10 AM): do they like not have PORES?
Moe (11:50:16 AM): oh, powder, hm.
Moe (11:50:29 AM): powder doesn't work for me.
Moe (11:50:44 AM): maybe bc i'm not french
AHo (11:50:54 AM): you look kinda of french
Moe (11:51:00 AM): ooooh la la!
AIRPORT STYLE, BIORE PORE STRIPS & MOE'S PUBES
AHo (11:51:03 AM): oh i love this: page 68
AHo (11:51:30 AM): they get access hollywood lady and their fashion director to comment on celeb airport style
Moe (11:51:55 AM): yeah, and they just pummel Paris!
AHo (11:52:00 AM): thing is: only the fashion director has anything critical to say. cause, you know, access hollywood lady doesn't want to burn her bridges in the celebrity interview game
Moe (11:52:06 AM): "the up-market appeal of the velour tracksuit just took a major hit"
AHo (11:52:13 AM): god forbid she piss off PAMELA ANDERSON
Moe (11:53:06 AM): I don't know why no one hires US to do this..
AHo (11:53:26 AM): honey, i HAVE been hired to do that stuff.
how about this 25 products that changed our lives story?
Moe (11:53:35 AM): OH. MY. GOD
Moe (11:53:54 AM): I agreed with everything! Every one of those products altered my life, too!!!
AHo (11:54:06 AM): i was kind of intrigued. until i realized they were picking items just to please certain advertisers.
Moe (11:54:15 AM): yeah it was so flagrant
Moe (11:54:17 AM): so blatant
AHo (11:54:20 AM): how fascinating that they don't have one cosmetic or beauty company represented more than once
Moe (11:54:24 AM): so bold! so audacious! WTF?
Moe (11:54:35 AM): WHERE ARE THE BIORE PORE STRIPS???
Moe (11:54:43 AM): the ultimate life altering product of all time.
Moe (11:54:59 AM): and i have NEVER received any for free.
AHo (11:55:15 AM): i love those. they never get the deep ones, though. i tried one on my boyfriend and i STILL had to squeeze his nose afterwards.
one thing i did learn? that benefit benetint started life as a nipple rouge.
Moe (11:55:17 AM): unless you count ones I stole from certain roommates... though I always replace them.
Moe (11:55:32 AM): oh yeah, you're obsessed with benetint
Moe (11:56:19 AM): is nipple rouge the new brazilian wax?
AHo (11:56:25 AM): lord help us.
Moe (11:56:48 AM): because.... that's another sign of the apocalypse
Moe (11:57:06 AM): i feel like girls in porns don't usually have pink nipples
AHo (11:57:10 AM): i guess after brazilian waxes and vaginal plastic surgery there's no where to go but up.
Moe (11:57:10 AM): but maybe my porn is just passe
AHo (11:57:34 AM): well usually porn girls have tans so maybe their nipples get tanned too
Moe (11:57:57 AM): so, is it just me.. or do they only ask the frogs what they think of us and not the other way around.
AHo (11:58:11 AM): yes you're right. i think those women are awesome though.
Moe (11:58:30 AM): except the woman who's like "we always wax."
Moe (11:58:38 AM): because i hate being reminded of that
Moe (11:58:47 AM): i have never had anything waxed in my life and i feel like a failure
AHo (11:58:50 AM): you know if that spread was set in new york all the girls would have flat-ironed hair and marc jacobs bags.
AHo (11:58:55 AM): no wax? ever?
AHo (11:59:08 AM): that's probably because you have blonde, fine hair. you're probably hairless!
Moe (11:59:19 AM): hahaha nooooooooooooo
Moe (11:59:29 AM): my pubes are totally not blond
Moe (11:59:38 AM): that doesn't seem to happen with blonds
Moe (11:59:44 AM): the way it does with the firecrotches
AHo (11:59:40 AM): what color are your eyebrows?
Moe (11:59:47 AM): brown
Moe (11:59:52 AM): i just pluck those though
AHo (11:59:55 AM): cause your pubes are the same color as your eyebrows. or so i've heard.
Moe (12:01:58 PM): so yeah, you're right about the frogs being better looking in a more natural way and not giving a fuck and smoking, which all cool people do
ANOREXIC FASHION EDITORS, SOPHIE DAHL & KEGGERS
AHo (12:02:19 PM): let's move on. the rest of the beauty pages didn't really inspire me one way or another
AHo (12:02:25 PM): what about you?
Moe (12:02:30 PM): the fashion pages inspired me... to barf
Moe (12:03:05 PM): but "failure to lunch" amused me, namely because in the lede...
Moe (12:03:51 PM): style director and former model Cleo Glyde CLAIMS she passed out while on the grape diet and 'was carried past the jaded bohemians to the nearest hospital'....
AHo (12:04:07 PM): i've never passed out. maybe i'm not starving myself enough.
Moe (12:04:14 PM): if she was unconscious, how does she know who she passed on the way to the hospital?
Moe (12:04:16 PM): Hmmm?
AHo (12:04:22 PM): great point
AHo (12:04:39 PM): but she "collapsed", she didn't say she went unconscious
Moe (12:05:02 PM): ohhhh, so her starvation diet did not kill her powers of observation
AHo (12:05:32 PM): i was kind of obsessed yet confused by the sophie dahl timeline
Moe (12:05:54 PM): was that just sort of random abuse?
Moe (12:06:06 PM): like, shouldn't janice min be all up on that shit?
AHo (12:06:10 PM): well it's like they're calling her out on her weight loss but
AHo (12:06:24 PM): they describe her at her heavier weight as "novelty act" and then as an "it girl" when she's skinny
AHo (12:06:36 PM): REINFORCING that women are more "popular" when they're skinny!
Moe (12:06:45 PM): wait, also, the way they manipulate the photos, they just shrink her with photoshop
Moe (12:07:11 PM): they could do that on anyone!
AHo (12:07:25 PM): not me! i'd just look bigger as the years went on no matter WHAT they did!
AHo (12:07:55 PM): jesus there are a lot of ads for diamond rings in this issue. is april "get engaged" month?
AHo (12:08:17 PM): i've never understood women who pick out their own engagement rings.
Moe (12:08:25 PM): omg
Moe (12:08:28 PM): everyone does, though.
AHo (12:08:32 PM): i guess it avoids disliking what he gives you but
AHo (12:08:40 PM): it feels unromantic to me. i'd want to be surprised.
Moe (12:09:04 PM): i don't even want a ring.
Moe (12:09:08 PM): i'll just lose it
AHo (12:09:13 PM): i don't want a wedding.
Moe (12:09:34 PM): i want a kegger sorta
Moe (12:09:54 PM): but i hate white
POMPOUS "BRITS": MADONNA & JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS
AHo (12:09:59 PM): lets talk about these madonna for h&m ads. unless you want to talk about the former starving model story
Moe (12:10:42 PM): H&M is losing it
AHo (12:10:44 PM): it wasn't awful. it was actually the perfect length. but i didn't really learn anything new.
AHo (12:11:09 PM): what's up with that one pose of hers? she has to remind us yet again how limber and yoga-toned she is? GIVE IT A REST!
Moe (12:11:11 PM): or madonna just can't design clothes. go figure!
AHo (12:11:26 PM): well i like that last dress. the silk one.
Moe (12:11:31 PM): the one where she's attacking you with what looks like a paint roller?
Moe (12:11:38 PM): silk dress is totally cute
AHo (12:11:46 PM): no, the one where she's sitting on a chair with her leg up in the air
Moe (12:11:52 PM): leather jacket is totally blah
AHo (12:12:08 PM): i agree
Moe (12:12:21 PM): in the first pic she sort of channels dolly parton circa 9-5, which i like ... but not to wear..
Moe (12:12:35 PM): only I would like to see madonna with giant ta-tas try to hit dolly's notes
Moe (12:12:47 PM): maybe she could do it better than she can rap
AHo (12:12:58 PM): what about this jonathan rhys meyers story?
AHo (12:13:02 PM): what a pompous ass
Moe (12:13:05 PM): Ughhhh I hate him
AHo (12:13:22 PM): i love how the writer made a slight dig at him by mentioning his role in the stinker 'ride with the devil'
AHo (12:13:51 PM): and those last 2 paragraphs are priceless. "i've been in many historical circumstances".
AHo (12:14:20 PM): yes, jonathan. except, unlike the confederate army, you had craft services, a trailer, and good lighting
Moe (12:14:22 PM): hahahahahahahahah I didn't read that far
Moe (12:14:26 PM): Ok, the writer has fun
Moe (12:14:41 PM): Except, you are a douchebag
Moe (12:14:43 PM): The End.
Moe (12:14:53 PM): Thanks Kelly Marages!
ANTI-PERSPIRANT, GLOBAL COMMUTING & ALI WENTWORTH
AHo (12:15:11 PM): what is up with this new secret deodorant in ARCTIC APPLE?
AHo (12:15:52 PM): everything has a subtext of cocktails to it
Moe (12:16:08 PM): i already sweat scotch most mornings
AHo (12:17:11 PM): what did you think of the "eye on the world" story?
AHo (12:17:26 PM): i liked it. except the writer/editor really dropped the ball with the lawyer who rollerblades
AHo (12:17:35 PM): WHERE THE FUCK DOES SHE SHOWER?
Moe (12:17:39 PM): right that woman needed to be beaten
Moe (12:17:50 PM): i think she's too skinny to sweat
AHo (12:17:57 PM): is that it?
AHo (12:18:08 PM): another reason to eat only 12 grapes a day!
Moe (12:18:19 PM): yeah... but she's a lousy lay
Moe (12:18:30 PM): i can tell
Moe (12:18:30 PM): the dudes who pass her jogging can tell too
AHo (12:18:43 PM): they call it "laydar"
Moe (12:18:47 PM): I thought it was interesting that there was a woman-only subway
Moe (12:18:49 PM): LAYDAR!
Moe (12:18:53 PM): love it
AHo (12:18:58 PM): i just made that up.
AHo (12:19:04 PM): although i'm sure i'm not the first
Moe (12:19:13 PM): so THAT'S why america keeps voting for Antonella Barba!!
Moe (12:19:29 PM): oh, I liked "More than a Pretty Face"
Moe (12:19:41 PM): i thought the conceit of global commuting was kinda lame.
AHo (12:19:53 PM): it's hard to come up with these stories month after month!
Moe (12:19:54 PM): but the haitian film festival thing was kind of sweet
Moe (12:20:20 PM): I like that "Cubicle Coach" is kind of evil
AHo (12:20:31 PM): me too. so is the accompanying pic.
AHo (12:20:44 PM): a woman in a miniskirt and heels bent over with her ass in the air? huh?
Moe (12:20:54 PM): "You need a raise? Too bad! Who cares? We don't!" give that writer two pages....
AHo (12:21:03 PM): love tough love. .
Moe (12:21:29 PM): i did not understand ali wentworth
AHo (12:21:31 PM): ugh. "ali" wentworth's columns are just...what's the point?
AHo (12:21:44 PM): i think she's funny on tv.
Moe (12:21:57 PM): i'm just..eh.
AHo (12:21:59 PM): but she name-checks michael chertoff without even a minor grimace
SANDRA OH & RANDOM HOOKUPS
AHo (12:21:59 PM): okay even that opening sandra pic would have been a better cover image.
AHo (12:23:00 PM): better expression, better dress.
Moe (12:23:23 PM): yeah though, considering how great she is in action, she's not that awesome still.
Moe (12:24:03 PM): how much do you LUV that sidebar?
AHo (12:24:17 PM): the "other mcnicknames waiting to happen"?
Moe (12:24:26 PM): yeah, it was HIGH- larious
Moe (12:24:43 PM): Kevin Federline = McIck
AHo (12:24:51 PM): it just shows how behind the times monthlies are. they called k-fed "mcick". little did they know that by now he's been redeemed
Moe (12:24:53 PM): and chris hitchens says women aren't funny!
AHo (12:25:09 PM): also unfair to bill clinton. he stopped eating mcdonalds years ago!
AHo (12:25:46 PM): it was a bad note to end on.
AHo (12:25:48 PM): kind of ruined it
Moe (12:25:51 PM): or they should have asked sandra oh do to it
Moe (12:26:02 PM): i love pigs?
Moe (12:26:14 PM): oh.. the story ends with her loving pigs
Moe (12:26:25 PM): guess she hasn't seen a certain youtube video?
AHo (12:26:35 PM): i don't have a problem with her loving pigs. i have a problem with that kicker.
AHo (12:26:41 PM): lazy. lazy lazy lazy.
Moe (12:26:46 PM): OH FUCK.
Moe (12:26:55 PM): i didn't read the laura sessions stepp story!!
Moe (12:27:02 PM): and i am OBSESSED with her
Moe (12:27:39 PM): Because she is the scourge of the Washington Post Style Section which is otherwise in my highly biased view unimpeachable
AHo (12:27:41 PM): it's perfect for you. she theorizes that the reason young women are drinking so much more is because of random hookups that their fragile psyches can't handle.
Moe (12:27:58 PM): I know all about her theories.
AHo (12:28:36 PM): i just want to talk about this spread for the "got2b" ad
AHo (12:28:56 PM): you have women in strange, possibly fashion-forward modern clothes
Moe (12:28:59 PM): I am laughing out loud
AHo (12:29:06 PM): you've got the name of a product that is teen-speak-y
Moe (12:29:08 PM): check out her FACE
AHo (12:29:14 PM): then there's the tagline "long live the party"
AHo (12:29:26 PM): the, again, reference to alcohol
AHo (12:29:30 PM): "styltini"
AHo (12:29:45 PM): and then the actual company? they use an old-fashioned CAMEO as their logo.
AHo (12:29:57 PM): with the name of the most famous commander in the first iraq war.
AHo (12:30:00 PM): my head is spinning
Moe (12:30:02 PM): hahahaha
Moe (12:30:06 PM): i was just gonnna point that out
Moe (12:29:46 PM): what about her bowtie?
AHo (12:30:21 PM): lets add this up.
Moe (12:30:21 PM): the cameo of some dude who actually knew how to fight
Moe (12:30:29 PM): what if they had saddam hussein's cameo?
Moe (12:30:37 PM): that would be a fun little trick for the tweens
AHo (12:31:01 PM): bowtie + iraq + cameo + teenspeak + cocktails = haircare
Moe (12:31:19 PM): LOL. I still can't get over it.
Moe (12:31:28 PM): Saddam Hussein would actually make SENSE in an ad about haircare
AHo (12:31:31 PM): someone needs to fire their ad agency pronto
KATE MIDDLETON, MIDDLE-CLASS LASS?
AHo (12:34:56 PM): so what about kate middleton?
Moe (12:36:06 PM): "He's lucky enough to be going out with me!"
Moe (12:36:11 PM): such self-esteem!
AHo (12:36:18 PM): well i kind of like that
Moe (12:36:19 PM): she must have had a great mom
AHo (12:36:27 PM): good for her
Moe (12:36:27 PM): I hate self-esteem
Moe (12:36:51 PM): oh wait, they call her solidly middle class
Moe (12:36:56 PM): I didn't know that.
AHo (12:36:59 PM): i don't believe that for a second
Moe (12:37:12 PM): but if it was true, it wouldn't be self-esteem, it would be balls.
AHo (12:37:40 PM): so self esteem = bad, balls = good ?
Moe (12:37:30 PM): her mom is a former flight attendant
AHo (12:37:46 PM): so was robert de niro's wife!
Moe (12:37:56 PM): her dad is an airline executive.
Moe (12:38:03 PM): airlines have horrible profit margins
Moe (12:38:08 PM): airline executives are almost never rich
AHo (12:38:15 PM): maybe they came from money
Moe (12:38:43 PM): she's not nec. salt of the earth
AHo (12:38:54 PM): it's the private school thing that raises my suspicions
Moe (12:39:18 PM): It's that DRESS that raises my suspicions
AHo (12:39:25 PM): HAHA
Moe (12:39:34 PM): that dress is not an "i come from money let me wow you with my class" dress.
Moe (12:39:46 PM): it's a jenna bush dress
AHo (12:39:47 PM): the aqua one?
Moe (12:39:51 PM): yes
Moe (12:39:58 PM): which proves your point
AHo (12:40:02 PM): awful.
KANDAHAR & THE PROBLEM OF TOO MANY BEAUTY STORIES
AHo (12:41:03 PM: i'll admit, i didn't read kandahar.
Moe (12:41:33 PM): so yes, I stopped reading it. Wanna know WHY?
AHo (12:41:38 PM): yes.
Moe (12:41:47 PM): cause it's about this TOTALLY DANGEROUS PLACE that is oh my god SO DANGEROUS.
Moe (12:41:54 PM): and it nevertheless MANAGED TO BE BORING.
Moe (12:42:04 PM): why was it boring?
AHo (12:42:30 PM): tell me
Moe (12:42:55 PM): why are all those "we care about the world, just like christiane amanpour" stories ALWAYS BORING.
AHo (12:43:07 PM): i don't know. i wish they weren't.
Moe (12:43:52 PM): invariably the conceit is ... "Oh my god, it's a woman who is doing this stuff! this dangerous stuff! Look! A woman! in this part of the world where women are so oppressed! not like us! we get to write about women doing cool stuff! and makeup, too!"
AHo (12:44:12 PM): should women's magazines just not do those sorts of stories?
Moe (12:44:13 PM): it never puts you there, or anywhere.
Moe (12:44:27 PM): I think Jane actually does the best job with serious stoires
Moe (12:44:30 PM): stories
AHo (12:44:35 PM): why can a men's magazine get away with it but a women's magazine can't?
Moe (12:44:52 PM): because the conceit is not, "This is a man"
AHo (12:44:53 PM): my theory is that women's mags are too loaded up with fashion and beauty stuff so that these other, "serious" stories feel jarring.
Moe (12:45:05 PM): "Imagine a man! in this exciting situation! A MAN, of all things!!!"
AHo (12:45:07 PM): whereas men's magazines have oh, one page of grooming, maybe a spread of fashion. that's it.
Moe (12:45:25 PM): that's true.
Moe (12:46:07 PM): that's why the conceit always has to be, "It's a woman! And look, we made her look...well, not very attractive, but we TRIED. our stylists didn't really want to come to kandahar, and we had to hire someone from dubai, and..."
Moe (12:47:41 PM): "As if to prove her toughness, Malalai pushes up her sleeve and shows off a scar. Her colleagues lean forward to look. "This is where a suspect bit me," she says. "He was running away in the market, and I chased him down..."
Moe (12:47:51 PM): that's a pretty typical paragraph.
Moe (12:47:57 PM): in a men's magazine, they don't do that.
Moe (12:48:13 PM): they either follow her long enough to see her get bit
Moe (12:48:22 PM): or they report the shit out of it and recreate it.
Moe (12:48:24 PM): simple as that.
Moe (12:48:32 PM): women's magazines don't even know where to start
Moe (12:48:47 PM): cause they are so, like, "wow! she's a woman! with a scar!!!"
AHo (12:48:55 PM): good point
Moe (12:49:35 PM): all the women's magazines find good stories to do, but they never put you into them, you almost never enter a woman's inner life.
DUMPING YOUR HUSBAND, PLUS MOE'S LATEST BREAKUP
Moe (12:49:45 PM): ok, did you read "Uncoupling"?
Moe (12:49:55 PM): It. had. lots. of. short. sentences.
AHo (12:50:02 PM): yes. First of all, that opening graphic made me think it was a piece of fiction
Moe (12:50:27 PM): Right. That's because. She's telling a story. With universal themes. For all of us. She is not perfect.
Moe (12:50:31 PM): Neither are we.
Moe (12:50:35 PM): No one is grading us.
Moe (12:50:39 PM): I think that means there's no god.
AHo (12:50:55 PM): you just figured that out?
AHo (12:51:02 PM): you know, the story didn't bug me too much.
AHo (12:51:13 PM): she used to write for GQ (maybe she still does)
Moe (12:51:25 PM): She has a cool last name, "Glock"
AHo (12:51:28 PM): and there's always a voyeuristic element in reading about someone else's relationship troubles. one thing i didn't like was her cynical assertion that your man is going to replace you with "someone younger. probably sooner than you think."
AHo (12:52:10 PM): it kinda...came out of nowhere
Moe (12:52:35 PM): also, yeah,
Moe (12:52:37 PM): that was hilarious.
Moe (12:52:44 PM): "Someone younger, probably sooner than you think.
Moe (12:52:52 PM): because, like, I'm sorry, but fuck you.
Moe (12:53:02 PM): if that did actually happen, good for him.
Moe (12:53:24 PM): having someone fall out of love with you blows, blows, blows, blows, blows, blows,.
Moe (12:53:32 PM): NO MERCY.
Moe (12:53:34 PM): hahaha
Moe (12:53:49 PM): wait, can you tell which party ended MY last relationship?
Moe (12:54:01 PM): I did like to hear about how they met though, it was fun.
GEMINIS, LIBRAS & GIRL FIGHTS
AHo (12:56:59 PM): can we talk about the horoscope special?
AHo (12:57:17 PM): i read mine. i'm a gemini. it acts like i'm single.
Moe (12:57:27 PM): you're a gemini???
Moe (12:57:32 PM): THAT'S WHY WE GET ALONG!
Moe (12:57:40 PM): no wonder you think i'm "shy"
AHo (12:57:43 PM): all the advice is for a girl who has no boyfriend. now listen, i am USUALLY THE GIRL WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND but when i DO have one, i want a horoscope to tell me about that too!
AHo (12:57:55 PM): when is your birthday?
Moe (12:58:01 PM): september 24
AHo (12:58:09 PM): an early libra.
AHo (1:00:20 PM): moe, are you really most likely to wear couture?
Moe (1:00:45 PM): yes, if by "couture" you mean, "I re-sewed all the buttons on by hand"
Moe (1:01:12 PM): whoa.... it's all about work
Moe (1:01:37 PM): "Put up your dukes at work after the 6th, when Mars'll inspire you to have it out with that colleague who's been pissing you off for months."
AHo (1:01:52 PM): wait is that me???
AHo (1:01:58 PM): we may get into a fight!!
MARISHA PESSL, HAMLET & EASTER EGGS
AHo (1:01:48 PM): lets talk about the fashion spread.
AHo (1:02:23 PM): that fashion spread is like the one glamour did with marisha pessl the other month. girls jumping in the air with their hair all askew
Moe (1:02:36 PM): Ughhhhh. marisha pessl?
Moe (1:02:39 PM): i did not see that.
Moe (1:02:48 PM): my sister really hearts her book
AHo (1:02:51 PM): and WHAT THE FUCK with that galapagos spread? who is she? ophelia from hamlet?
AHo (1:02:55 PM): i like her book too!
Moe (1:03:26 PM): i hate "go figure."
Moe (1:03:40 PM): if they had just put some jeans on under the dress she was wearing she'd be 10000x cuter
AHo (1:03:52 PM): ME TOO. but i'm more obsessed with the ad opposite the last "go figure" for the bra.
AHo (1:04:03 PM): a bird's nest?
Moe (1:04:13 PM): CADBURY EGGS and nipples always go hand in hand, right?
Moe (1:04:19 PM): or no, those are whopper eggs.
AHo (1:04:30 PM): i think those are whopper eggs.
Moe (1:04:32 PM): uhhhhhh..
Moe (1:04:41 PM): that ad... .is mystifying!
AHo (1:05:00 PM): whose imperfectly-fitted bra looks like it's carrying a bird's nest?
Moe (1:05:20 PM): maybe a woman whose rack was attacked by a cheetah
AHo (1:05:26 PM): i mean, maybe there's some rippling or bulging but
Moe (1:05:55 PM): i am laughing so hard right now i .... can't really write
JOHN EDWARDS: ANTICHRIST
AHo (1:06:12 PM): other than that i have nothing else to say about this issue. the john edwards q&a is fine...i still think he should have shaved his head even though his wife told him not to
Moe (1:06:33 PM): hmmmm, britney and John Edwards!
Moe (1:07:04 PM): i think John edwards would be asking for some antichrist parallels if he shaved
AHo (1:06:35 PM): doesn't he know: we always tell our guys "well, you don't really have to" but secretly we want them to.
AHo (1:07:06 PM): i see her point but maybe she knows that underneath that thick hot mane is a misshapen, lumpy skull
Moe (1:07:19 PM): Right!
Moe (1:07:24 PM): she totally knows.
AHo (1:07:25 PM): i always wonder: do i have a good skull?
AHo (1:07:30 PM): britney found out: NO
Moe (1:07:34 PM): I NEVER wonder that!
AHo (1:07:45 PM): you're missing out
Moe (1:07:47 PM): and I think about cancer all the time!