"Another Young Hercules Will Be Able To Reach My Olympia" (Or, How "Entitlement Issues" Are The New "Commitment Issues")

Illustration for article titled "Another Young Hercules Will Be Able To Reach My Olympia" (Or, How "Entitlement Issues" Are The New "Commitment Issues")

A little watershed happened this week: Dr. Joyce Brothers kindly advised a readers that, "women, too, can fear commitment." Well, no shit! Maybe the whole "women want to nest with men who want to sow their wild oats" paradigm may be kinda outdated! Anyway, that's why it's time for a very special edition of Crap Email.


I used to think the differences between male and female commitment issues was that while men fear commitment generally, women specifically fear commitment with the wrong person. But that, too, is outdated. Years of tolerating one anothers' commitment fears, emotional vacuums and miscellaneous neuroses, often while simultaneously paying someone with a PhD to talk about ourselves for several hours a week, has begotten a new ill: the Entitlement to Commitment Issue. Look back at our best crap emails, and they all revolve around this theme: I am not a mere human being among seven billion, but a PRIZE and that you have failed to treat me as such is baffling and probably immoral.

What is interesting is that, although many male readers of this feature have often accused it of stereotypical male-bashing, a closer look at many of the emails will reveal that while most of the senders are indeed males, the offenses committed within them is often the stereotypically female offense of desperation, dressed up in esoteric philosophy major references and made worse by references to stereotypically male offenses that have previously been committed.

Anyway, suffice it to say, women suck just as bad as men in this regard, always have, as the below, sent by a girl to a boy on a college campus somewhere probably pretty and sheltered from reality, will attest:

>Subject: in conclusion
>To: [Boy]

I decided to give it a week's time before I went in one direction or another... to give YOU a week

It's been a week

and I am not the type of person to leave any type of gateway open between the two of us. You are not my friend, and will never be.


You are my friend when we are "together" and the former is ABSOLUTELY dependent on the later. It would be silly to try to convince ourselves otherwise. I sent you that email yesterday, because after our convo on friday night— i felt that we ended on a hopeful note. That note had is pretty encountered a fatal blow when i went back to herot and heard people like cheering you on as you left....


in conclusion, it would be wise to do the exchange of things as planned. I will not wait for you and will NEVER wait for you. You have helped me learn a valuable lesson, and that is to never let you back into my life, ever again. Your confusion signifies the ABSOLUTE/finite/concrete and un-debatable end to a relationship (as i mentioned before, we are only capable of one— that embodies allows for the others).


I will not be here for you regardless of the situation, and as you wisely noted— it would be wise for you to figure out your alternative support system and pay more attention to that.

i hope you realize that you have been disgustingly unfair in what you expect from me. When i wanted autonomy, I tried my best to get it with minimal hurting you— i think breaking up would (nomatter what you say) have made you more upset than me going out allthe time, etc...


And i take back all the shit i said about me being a bad girlfriend, becausae the reason shit ended up the way itdid is because i was having issues and you didnt support ME. Fuck me supporting crew, seriously.... you are the one who didnt support what I wanted to do or offer me the help that i needed when i didnt have the capacity to figure out shit on my own— which i guess made me act like a bad girlfriend

i gave this analogy after i had some shit todrink last night, and i really like it because it applies perfectly.

Last night...pre farleigh there was a fork in the road. Im on one side (and if you go over there= dating me) and the otherside is me hating you and basically doing anything in my power to make sure that you feel the burn/100% over (how i feel now). So you said you wanted to sort of go down the middle, which to me is basically the equivalent of going to the other side (100%/feel the pain burn ouch...) becuase


There is a giant wall that separates my side from everything else. If you are not over the wall... you might as well be fucking my mother on the opposite end of the opposite side of the fork. last night you were passed out in the gutter of the other side of my wall

and basically all i have for you is the waste/memories— both good and bad— from my kingdom before the dark ages. so that's whats going to be showering you in the gutter. You didnt climb the rope i left out— it would have been hard, but basically you pulled the rope down to see if it really was firmly rooted to the tree— you didnt trust it. It would have held, but you tested it and it was only going to hold out for just one climb, and couldnt handle your swinging back and forth and testing out the waters... and the branch snapped.


the branch will never grow back, but another one will in another place... and that will be to help another man get over the wall into my kingdom. I understand that you no longer are strong enough to climb over that wall and fight the evil trolls,etc. to get to me... and that is YOUR loss, cuz another young hercules will be able to reach my olympia. You abandoned the kingdom when things got really rough, and it doesn't matter (for you) that everything's getting wonderful again /growing back, etc because you will never get to see how beautiful it is.

it makes more sense with hand gestures, but i think you are smart enough to get the gist.


I don't got any more rope to waste on you. I'm high maintenence, and i know someone else will actually be able to maintain what you didn't have the stregnth to.

life isnt going to wait. I'm not going to wait for you to come pick me up at the bus stop— while you mingle with other girls/boys/crew/alcohol/whatever... and get delayed.


I'm going to accept another offer for a ride, and no more bus stops, cuz i ain't gonna be riding the bus anymore once someone comes along that always wants me in his car.

i have no time to give you, and if that makes me impatient... than i acknowleged and embrace that quality.


until today i would get nervous if i knew i was gunna see you, but now im just weirdly relived. I can finally exhale. you dunnit and now it dun

and i'm not going to be polite about it, just so you know what to expect. I ain't gonna lie to myself, or to you when i have to see you.


sincerely & FORMERLY 'yours' truly,



I was kind of thinking she had a "Lord of the Rings" thing going on, cause that stuff always confused the crap out of me too. Are the trolls good or bad? Is it like a video game where you have to try and climb the wall without a rope using the secret ladder? And why were people cheering when he left a bar?