ANOTHER SHOT FIRED IN THE CRONUT WARS: Enter the ‘Crookie’

The Cronut is a food item that was accidentally conjured when Pastry Chef Dominique Ansel, a Julie and Julia DVD, a confused pedestrian who got lost on the way to the Sex and the City bus tour, and the ghost of a 16th century French courtier made simultaneous wishes in a cursèd fountain.

In its short tenure on Earth, the Cronut has driven the Internet into a frenzy. It’s caused people to queue for hours in Soho. It’s wormed its way into the elusive and well-guarded heart of Questlove. It’s ignited a thriving sweets black market. This is because the Cronut is a tricksy little siren. Incidentally, the pastry has also inspired a slew of knock-off Cronuts, none of which have lived up to the hype — probably because they’ve been named things like “the squat,” which is a position made famous by being the way you urinate when you’re in the woods.

Now, however, enter the “Crookie,” the result of a decadent union between croissant and Oreo cookie. It was created by Toronto pastry chef Olivier Jansen-Reynaud, a delusional genius who thinks that he can dupe the internet by telling FoxNews.com, “I had to Google what a Cronut was” after hearing the comparison made repeatedly. Ok, Pastry Chef Olivier Jansen-Reynaud. Literally no one believes you.

According to Fox News, though, “many food blogs are suggesting that Crookie could be a real Cronut contender.” The tiny catch in this scenario is that you have to go to Toronto to acquire one, because apparently “Crookies are too fragile to make the trip.” Quick, someone rig up a tiny lil’ Oreo filling IV drip!

But when will the madness end? When will we stop putting things inside of croissants that don’t technically belong there? When will we stop thinking that “cr” + “the name of the second confectionary delight, minus its first consonant” is an adequate dessert naming system? Here are some other crontenders I just thought of, so now I’ll sit back and wait for the positive food blog reviews to pour in: Crot pockets. Crool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme. Cralapeño croppers. Crablet (that’s a croissant tablet with iOs capabilities).