Ann Romney's Birthday Party to Be Hosted by a Dude Arrested for Barbecuing a Dog

Illustration for article titled Ann Romneys Birthday Party to Be Hosted by a Dude Arrested for Barbecuing a Dog

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, who once strapped his dog to the roof of the family station wagon before embarking on a road trip, has again chosen to thumb his nose at the all-important dog vote by throwing a fundraising birthday party for his wife Ann at the house of Frederick Malek III. While to most people, Malek is just another rich guy who respects Romney's Reaganesque hair, to dogs, Malek is a living terror — when he was a youth, he was arrested for animal cruelty after police discovered that he and some friends had killed and barbecued a dog. What the everloving hell is wrong with Mitt Romney?

Fred Malek III has had a long, illustrious career in politics— he's worked for President Nixon and the first, less-shitty of the Presidents Bush. In 2008, he served as the National Finance Co-Chair of John McCain's Presidential campaign. He's had a formidable business career as well, serving important roles with Mariott and the Carlyle Group and Northwest Airlines. But before any of this, he was just a young, drunk, blood-covered West Point graduate standing around a spit containing a slowly rotating, skinned dog.

In 1959, a police officer in Peoria, Illinois, discovered five young men acting about as suspiciously as a person could act in one of the city's parks. By "suspiciously," I mean like villain being questioned for murder in an episode of CSI: Miami suspiciously— they were covered in blood (as was the inside of their car), and three of them appeared to be burying something. Turns out, the blood was animal blood. And later, officers discovered a skinned dog on a spit elsewhere in the park, a liquor bottle nearby, which is a visual horrific enough to sort of make you wish that the blood on the men's clothes had been human blood.


Eventually, Frederick Malek and his buddies sheepishly admitted that they'd been drinking earlier that night, and one of the group admitted to beating, killing, and preparing the dog for the spit in some sort of totally fucked up attempt to teach his friends about living off the land. Malek swore he had nothing to do with the dog murder, aside from the fact that he just stood around while his friend fucking beat a dog to death.

Malek would later go on to serve as one of Nixon's Jew-spotters after our paranoid nut of a 37th President determined that the Bureau of Labor Statistics had become overrun with Chosen People.

Anyway, if you're interested in supporting Women for Romney by attending Ann Romney's hopefully non-barbecue birthday party, you'll have to shell out — the Maleks have committed to raising at least $10,000 off the soiree and each guest will be expected to donate a cool thousand dollars. Fun fact: $10,000 is about twice the maximum fine that New York State could impose on someone involved in aggravated animal cruelty.

According to Politico, on the following day, Melania Trump will host a similar event, possibly using the skin of the dog from the day prior's events to fashion her husband Donald a more realistic cold weather toupee.


Between the war on women and his callous disregard for animal cruelty against dogs, every day, it's becoming clearer that if Mitt Romney hates anything, it's bitches.

[Dogs Against Romney]

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Where might I be able to find a Dogs for Obama t-shirt for my little punkin?