Angelina Jolie Says We Should Put Women in Charge of Bees, But I Think We Should Put Bees in Charge of Women

Quick, what’s the creature the populates an entire community with the resources and skills necessary to achieve long-term sustainability for that community, subsequently providing stability for an entire greater ecosystem at large? Women, bees, and women beekeepers, who according to Angelina Jolie, are going to save all the bees and all the food with her help.

As National Geographic’s Indira Lakshmanan points out, Jolie has long been a “champion of vulnerable populations,” and most recently, bees in particular. And now, on World Bee Day, Jolie has championed what sounds to me like a great idea: let women and bees work together to sort their individual and collective problems out.

Bee populations worldwide have come under threat, and the UNESCO-backed program Women for Bees, along with corporate sponsor Guerlain, have earmarked “$2 million to train and support 50 women beekeeper-entrepreneurs in 25 UNESCO-designated biosphere reserves around the world.”

Why, ladies? Because like lady bees, lady humans get shit done, according to Jolie:

“When a woman learns a skill, she teaches other women and other men and her children,” Jolie told Lakshmanan. “And so if you really want something done and you want it magnified, you find a woman and you help her understand what the problem is and she will work very hard to make sure everyone in the community knows.”

But what of the skills bees can teach women? Invaluable lessons such as workforces made entirely of women, eating your sisters until you are the sole heir to the bee empire, keeping a cadre of man-bees specifically for copulation and making sure they die soon after achieving said purpose, giving soldiers powerful weapons for defense but making sure they are immediately disemboweled upon using said weapons so they don’t get any ideas in their little antennae. Mind control using smell. Demanding your inferiors cook special jelly that only a lady boss bee may enjoy. Bees are good, and women should absolutely know more.

What I am saying, Angelina Jolie, is that I am ready to learn bee secrets please send me to your bee college, and I will absolutely use the skills I learn there to organize my community accordingly, and there will be so much pollination I fucking swear it.