Caffeine? CAFFEINE?! You people had a world's worth of drugs and booze to vote from and you ended up choosing the most legal and readily accessible of them all? THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

Sorry, sorry. It's not my job to insult our poll's findings. It's my job to report them โ€” even if the results leave me SMDH for the rest of the day.

Anyway, we began with 64 substances โ€” 32 drugs and 32 liquors. Lest we forget, here's what our bracket looked like when this tumultuous journey began:

And here's what it looked like at the end:


With...eye roll...Caffeine (1) emerging as the winner.

Any disagreement over results likely comes from a difference in voter strategies. Seeing as we all happen to be alive at this moment (apologies for alienating the ghost readership), I'm guessing the majority of us have not tried everything listed on the bracket and probably do rely most heavily on caffeine on a day-to-day basis.

So, sure. In that sense, Caffeine deserved to win, but then again NO, IT DIDN'T because some of us โ€” who either a.) aren't total squares or b.) are total squares, but have a sense of IMAGINATION โ€” were using our votes to get behind the craziest and/or most fun sounding drugs and dranks. That's why I put all my money on Krokodil and am now in quite a lot of trouble with my bookie Jessica Coen (you may have heard of her because she also happens to moonlight as Jezebel's EIC).


But it's not your problem if my legs get broken. Caffeine is the winner fair and square, even if it is, as my coworker Tracie put it, not a drug, but "more like a vitamin. Or a supplement."

Friends, loved ones, enemies. Brought to you by the same voters who gave you missionary as the best sex position, I present your winner Caffeine, Champion of All Drugs and Hooch.


Art by the incomparable Jim Cooke.