An Open Letter To Archie Andrews From Dylan McKay

Upon hearing the news that Archie Andrews is finally planning to propose to either Betty or Veronica after 68 years of stringing them along, Dylan McKay wrote in to share his thoughts on the matter.

Dear Archie,

You have come to a major fork in your road of life. I’m sure you think that no one understands you, because you’re mad, bad, and dangerous to know, but being mad, bad, and dangerous to know myself, I know exactly where you’re at right now, bro, and I thought I’d drop some advice to help you make a decent decision.

You see, Arch, I once found myself in a similar position, forced to live a lie as I found myself trapped between the sweet love of a hot blonde and the bitchy love of a hot brunette. They were both disasters, man, but beautiful disasters who slept with me and made me run my fingers through my perfectly coiffed hair a lot, and that kind of love…I think it means something. Or maybe it doesn’t, man. All I know is that if you need to make a decision about these two chicks, you should probably do it the way I did, by sitting at the Peach Pit and listening to a song called “Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind?” over and over again on the jukebox because let me tell you, that song is real and represents something that can’t even be touched by the minds of those who don’t understand what it’s like to fall in love with a blonde while your brunette girlfriend is off unwittingly eating brains in Paris with the producer’s daughter.

I gotta tell ya, Arch, life is a rough road that must be traveled alone, unless you happen upon a hot chick like Bren or Kel who understands how deep you are and will let you have sex with them at the prom, or in the pool, or in your house where you basically live alone because your parents just aren’t there for you, man. Guys like you and me have decisions to make, hearts to break, and love to take. It is what it is, bro.

Anyway, your decision is probably dragging you down right now. Let me hit you with some insight: I chose the blonde, Arch, but it didn’t work out. Later the brunette came back into my life, but that wasn’t forever, either. I then had a kid with the blonde, but she’s still not mine, man. I still talk to the brunette, but she’s not mine either. Turns out they’re both still friends, and I’m not sleeping with either of them, at least not regularly, though they both always seem to come back, no matter how messed up I get.

So what I’m saying to you, Arch, is that whatever decision you make, it’s probably going to turn to shit. But don’t worry about it. Always remember that the bridges you burn will light the way to Heaven, and no matter what, I’ll applaud you from afar.

If you ever need me, you know the drill.
-Dylan McKay

Oh, and PS: Whatever you do, don’t break it to the rejected girl like this, man. It’s bad form: