While watching the brand new 30-second Candie's spot starring Britney Spears, I had some deep thoughts.

Our story begins behind a fence. You see, pop stars have to build up walls, to keep out the world — fame is a cage, really. These three hardened, sharpened points represent the past, present, and the future.

Advertisement

You may think this statue means the car has arrived at a polo club. But the horse is a symbol of the yearning to be free. Native Americans equated horses with spirit winds and messengers. Horses also stand for strength and hard work. Hello? Britney works hard for the money, so you better treat her right!

Advertisement

Product placement.

Advertisement

Our heroine emerges. No one greets her.

Advertisement

The choice to shoot Britney framed by the crotch of a horse is to remind us that she is a mere human, a small person on a large planet; fragile. Also: Thin, now.

Advertisement

Product placement.

Advertisement

Our heroine has magically changed clothes. She descends a staircase — goes down the rabbit hole, if you will, deep into her subconscious. There's a light on. And a package with some balls. You do the math.

Advertisement

She peeks around the corner.

Advertisement

A man is finishing getting dressed, which means we — er — she just missed him bare-chested. Damn.

Advertisement

Like many men who exist only in one's subconscious, he remains faceless. Also, there are no razors in the subconscious.

Advertisement

Suddenly, the man is astride a muscular steed, brandishing a polo mallet. Note the number 3 — the most mystical number. Three is the first odd prime number, and there are three types of molecular bonds. There were three witches in Macbeth; Adolf Hitler's Empire was the 3rd Reich; shamrocks have three leaves; three little bears, three billy goats gruff, you always get three wishes and there's a Christian Holy Trinity. Britney Spears is only female artist in music history to have her first three albums debut at number one. She married her first husband, Jason Alexander, on January 3. She got engaged to Kevin Federline three months after they met. The book Britney wrote with her mom, Britney Spears's Heart to Heart, was printed by Three Rivers Press.

Advertisement

Shakespeare often made puns about riding — meaning sex. Some believe that when a young woman gets really into horseback riding, she is channeling her sexual urges.

Advertisement

In any case, Britney has changed her ensemble again, so she can watch the action. Note how she wears all black, to signify how deep and dark she is; the white room reminds you: None of this is really happening.

Advertisement

She looks out on the cold, isolated landscape to find her Faceless Man; and the sexy freedom of him straddling a horse. Somehow you can tell that she thinks he holds all the answers, all the keys to the mysteries she can't solve.

Advertisement

But he's just playing with his balls.

Advertisement

It's disappointing, to say the least. This is her subconscious fantasy, dammit!

Advertisement

Product placement.

Advertisement

Product placement. And proof of empty uterus: At least she didn't have unprotected sex with the guy. Also: Thin!

Advertisement

…And: Scene.