American Horror Story's Finger-Banging Scene Is More Than You Can Take

I watched the premiere of American Horror Story: Freak Show last night and after braving that horrifying clown sporting a smile of death, there were still plenty of other weird moments. Let’s take a look back, shall we?

Jimmy Darling, played by Evan Peters above, is a matinee idol with fused fingers… and a skill for double fisting. He’s so good with his hands that housewives pay him for double carny penetration, with his mother (a bearded lady named Ethel) whoring out his services to ladies who lunch.

As a David Bowie fan, I love this quirky interpretation of his song, “Life on Mars.” It is weird, jarring and imperfectly perfect thanks to Elsa, played by Jessica Lange, and her weak voice. The American Horror Story director probably instructed Lange to deliver this performance like a nervous starlet, making it my favorite scene.

That God-awful Clown

With no name and a penchant for murdering people with scissors, he kidnaps his favorites. This dude also never speaks. It’s like the costume designers on AHS found the line just before TV-throwing terror and built his mask right on top of it.

World’s Tiniest Lady

Jyoti Amge, the world’s smallest lady, is about the size of your average porcelain doll at 23 inches tall. She is 20 and she is amazing.

Bette and Dot: Two Personalities, One Body

For Bette and Dot, life ain’t been no crystal stair, more like a terrible dark closet filled with a mean mother, spoiled milk and total seclusion from larger society. The two-headed ladies have one heart, three kidneys and a murder wrap they’ve got to beat — one sister killed their mom — but not before their split screen shots confuse your eyeballs.

Ethel, the Bearded Lady and That Accent

The bearded lady Ethel Darling, played by Kathy Bates, and her accent. Where is this affectation supposed to have originated? Help me understand.

The Best Porn is Carny Porn?

Fraulein Elsa also traffics in carny porn, procured after she dopes up local candy stripers with opium until they can’t think straight. The doped up candy striper is Meryl Streep daughter’s Grace Gummer (who looks exactly like her sister Mamie Gummer).

That God-awful Clown on That God-Awful Merry-Go-Round

It is literally anything but merry.

Elsa Reveals Her Own Disability

Between Elsa’s opium-fueled dreams and Ethel’s realization that their livelihood depends on them, the final scene depicting Elsa high and seeking validation from the bearded lady is both shocking and sad. It’s shocking because there was little to no evidence earlier in the show that Elsa herself was handicapped — she has no legs — and sad, because she too is haunted by her limitations.