American Horror Story Baddest Witch: An Eye for a Seeing Eye
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Welp, so much for the slow redemption of Madame Delphine LaLaurie. The racist serial killer (head firmly reattached to her body) is back to her old murderous tricks and just when we were starting to like her, too. Did all those hours that Queenie forced her to watch Roots mean nothing?! Well, if the fate of the poor, newly disemboweled gardener means anything, then I’d have to say yes — Kunta’s plight completely failed to move her.
The silver-lining:
Her tiger shirt made another appearance, so at least there’s that.
LaLaurie isn’t the only one who was falling back on old habits. Cordelia, who everyone is SO goddamn mean to just because she haaaaappened to marry a witch hunter, is desperate to get her second sight back to better serve the coven. Apparently, this means jabbing out her new eyes with a pair of gardening sheers, which — Jesus Christ, Cordelia. The coven you’re trying to protect is not worth it. Every single one of them (besides you and Misty) is a murderer and somehow that’s the least of their offenses. Their biggest offense is how they all look so good in hats. (THIS SHOW IS GIVING ME BODY IMAGE ISSUES ABOUT MY BIG-ASS DOME.)
While Cordelia is jabbing her own eyeballs out, Fiona and Marie Laveau continue to bond over their crazy magic powers and evil evil hearts. Safe to say, I would watch a buddy comedy about these bad bitches any day of the week.
The pair go off to the Delphi Trust (the front for WitchHunters.biz) to make a deal with Angelica Huston’s ex-husband from Smash. And by “make a deal,” what I really mean is get the Axeman to chop everyone up with his axe…which he does. Blood was everywhere, but somehow all that gore was a million times less gross than when the Axeman tells Fiona, “I love you more than jazz, baby doll.”
For the love of Wynton Marsalis, is this show trying to make me throw up?
Ooooh, you know who else is back? Spalding! Again, death on this show means nothing! Why care about anyone’s well-being because you definitely don’t have to! That said, I am happy to see him because Denis O’Hare is so compelling to watch and what can I say? I grew fond of the doll-loving creep. (And honestly. Who among us doesn’t appreciate a vintage Madame Alexander?)
Delightfully, Spalding tricks Madame LaLaurie into drugging Laveau with Benadryl by saying it’s the key to killing her. He does it all for the sake of tricking LaLaurie into bringing him a new doll (he does what he has to to get what he wants!) and, obviously, the Benadryl does fuck-all to help kill an immortal woman. Still, LaLaurie and Spalding do end up knocking Angela Bassett unconscious (is now the right time to say how much I love Angela Bassett’s hair on this show? No?) and LaLaurie plans to bury her so deep in the Earth that no one will ever find her. HOW DARE KATHY BATES TRY TO KEEP THOSE BRIGHTLY PATTERNED JUMPSUITS FROM THE WORLD? She’ll burn for this! BUUUUUUURN.
With the (probably temporary) disposal of Laveau, ghosty Spalding is free to take his real prize — the adorable baby that Laveau has been keeping in her closet. I don’t know — Spalding seems pretty maternal to me. I think the kid will be all right.
This week’s baddest witch is obviously Cordelia. If you thought she was a wet blanket, well, you were right, but she happens to be a wet blanket who will jab her own eyes out for the greater good. Honorable mentions, as always, goes to Myrtle Snow, Myrtle Snow’s outfits and Myrtle Snow’s constantly on-point dialogue.