Amazon Starts Black Friday a Week Early Like Maniacs

Amazon is aiming to stress everybody the absolute fuck out by starting its Black Friday sales an entire week before Black Friday. Beginning on November 21st, the largest internet company in America is counting down to Black Friday with a “Deals Week,” proclaiming that: “It’s never to early for a good deal.”

IT’S PROBABLY A BIT TOO EARLY THOUGH. LIKE, TECHNICALLY EXACTLY A WEEK EARLY. Also, legally, how are they even allowed to call these Black Friday deals?

Black Friday is horrible enough as is. People have to go to work on a holiday they should be spending with their loved ones, a lot of those discounts aren’t even real, and as a nation, we look like idiot materialistic drones.

What’s even more confusing about this ruse is that Amazon is currently labeling their regular flash sales as Black Friday deals. So which is it? Is Black Friday today? Next Friday? This Friday? Has the term Black Friday lost all its meaning? On its daily deals page, the site reads:

Black Friday 2014 is almost here, but we didn’t want you to wait until the day after Thanksgiving for Black Friday deals, so we kicked off the savings a little early.

How considerate. The online retailer is already shilling $19 hot combs $38 pearl earrings and $33 adult cat food so you can find gifts for all the important people and felines in your life.

What’s perhaps even more horrifying is how they’re going to blitz us with deals on discounted watches and televisions. Via the Huffington Post:

For eight days starting on Friday, Amazon will have new sales every ten minutes, on everything from electronics to clothing to toys, the company announced on Thursday. On top of those sales, Amazon will have six special “Deals of the Day,” three on Thanksgiving day and three more on Black Friday.

The worst part about all this is that this shit works. Last year Amazon was the most visited online retailer on Black Friday. I myself almost bought a 42 piece set of tupperware from Amazon the other day because it was on sale for FOURTEEN DOLLARS. I mean, what a steal. But then I remembered: what the fuck am I going to do with 42 pieces of tupperware? My diet is 30% wine.

This may sound paradoxical but enjoy this time, my friends. Amazon is the largest internet company in America, so if they’re trying to pull this shit, we’re likely only three to five years away before Black Friday runs from Halloween through Christmas Eve.