It’s me, a radical leftist. Did you know that I along with my fellow leftists have been conducting a War on Thanksgiving, setting our sights on this day of gluttony and football after we won the very real and not at all manufactured War on Christmas?
There’s only one pesky problem we need to overcome: Donald Trump is not having it! “As we gather together for Thanksgiving, you know, some people want to change the name Thanksgiving,” he said on Tuesday night at a campaign rally. “They don’t want to use the term Thanksgiving. And that was true also with Christmas. But now everybody’s using Christmas again. Remember this?”
He continued: “But now we’re going to have to do a little work on Thanksgiving. People have different ideas. Why it shouldn’t be called Thanksgiving. But everybody in this room, I know, loves the name Thanksgiving. And we’re not changing.”
Fuck! We’ve been found out! But hosts on Fox News, which has been heavily covering our War on Thanksgiving, were a little befuddled by Trump’s claim—though they of course used the opportunity to bring up the completely false rumor, spread on conservative media in 2015, that Barack Obama once tried to change the name of Thanksgiving. They did their best to give Trump some cover. “I think the issue that a lot of people have with potentially changing that name is the fact that in that name we’re expressing gratitude,” one host said.
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Clearly, the very fine journalists at Fox have not yet fully caught on to me and my sweet potato pie-hating band of radicals who wish, I must stress, not to eradicate Thanksgiving—a holiday combines the celebration of mass genocide with the ghoulishly appropriate consumption of bland, atrociously dry meat—but to eliminate the name Thanksgiving, because we are decidedly anti-gratitude.
What to rename this holiday? We have considered taking the lead of native communities who for decades have used Thanksgiving to (very rightly) mark a national Day of Mourning, meant in part to highlight ongoing issues affecting native communities. We are inspired by the example of Columbus Day, which is now officially commemorated by an increasing number of states and cities as Indigenous’ Peoples Day.
And I, a radical leftist speaking for all radical leftists, have chosen today to release my shortlist of proposed titles:
- Sarah Josepha Hale Day, to remember the magazine editor who pitched making the fourth Thursday in November a national holiday, much to the consternation of Southern states who saw it as a Yankee thing and were opposed to its abolitionist connotations.
- No Thanks, Day, because who wants to go around a table and desperately come up with one thing they’re thankful for? How many times can you weakly say “my family” when you really mean your weed gummies that you consumed in the morning?
- Dallas Cowboys Appreciation Day, because I am from Texas and thus legally obligated to celebrate my boys in spandex.
- National Day to Argue With Your Least-Favorite Uncle About Impeaching Donald Trump
- Hotly Debate For Hours Whether Stuffing is Called Dressing or Stuffing Day ;)
- Thankstaking (Just kidding! Or am I...)