"Almost Any Girl With A Dick In Her Mouth Could Be Mistaken For Lindsay Lohan"

Illustration for article titled "Almost Any Girl With A Dick In Her Mouth Could Be Mistaken For Lindsay Lohan"

Well, folks, another Friday, another shitty week in the gossip blog universe. It's simply amazing how many writers think trashing and insulting women is "funny." With that, we welcome you back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!


The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Sexist, vulgar comments attempting humor and failing miserably.
The Evidence: "Almost any girl with a dick in her mouth could be mistaken for Lindsay Lohan. You could have a police lineup with Lindsay in it, and even you probably wouldn't recognize her at first without some dude's johnson in her yapper." Hey, people at Yeeeah: Noooooo. It's interesting how the posts on this site don't have bylines. What, no one wants to take credit for such captivating writing? Hmm, wonder if the advertisers know they're backing crass and brutal misogyny.
The Sentence: The unnamed editor ought to have his mouth washed out with a Brillo pad and antibacterial soap.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Pregnant-woman bashing. (So popular right now!)
The Evidence: "Hey, remember when Jessica Alba was hot? You know, before she got all super-pregnant and stuff. Sure Jessica Alba's breasts got bigger, but so did her ass. Anyway, it's nice to be reminded of just how hot Jessica Alba was before getting knocked up, and this photoshoot from the February issue of Gotham Magazine is a nice reminder of that." Raise your hand if you're sick of these guys mocking pregnant women.
The Sentence: Female hormone injections, to render this person plump, smooth and hopefully emotionally confused.

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Equating a divorcée with a whore.
The Evidence: "Wow, so not only did Heather Mills get paid a shitload of cash for having sex with Paul McCartney. She became violent when she wasn't getting paid on her terms. Hmm, I believe there's a word for that also*. What is it again? It's right on the tip of my tongue. Ah, yes: Superhero. *For those of you who caught the gag yesterday, link goes right to Ashley Alexandra Dupre. Read: Heather Mills is a prostitute. And for $48.6 million her vagina better be lined with gold and have its own water park." No matter how you feel about Ms. Mills, she is not a hooker. And neither is any woman seeking divorce settlement. It's just so base, so insulting.
The Sentence: Two months community service singing Beatles songs to amputees.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com
The Crime: Rape jokes.
The Evidence: "It really bothers me when people put themselves in a position to be accused of rape. Rape should only be used in times of emergency, like when you're on a deserted island. But you're gonna want to make sure it's a tropical island, because studies have shown those to be the most romantic." Joking about sexual violation is not okay.
The Sentence: Banishment to a tropical island inhabited by rape survivors for some Lord Of The Flies-type justice.

Quote of the day: "I am not very good at this blogging shit." — Drunken Stepfather



1. Heather Mills is a whore.

2. Guys, don't you think you can lighten up a little bit? I mean, sure, making jokes about pregnant women isn't all that funny (though, frankly, Jessica A. has so little of a sense of humor herself [or a sense of irony, based on the shit that comes out of her mouth] that I kinda will take someone making fun of her for whatever. Suck it, sourpuss), but making jokes about Lindsay Lohan and blowjobs totally is. Screw your reputation over? Get ready to be made fun of!

Would you bother being offended by it if Robin Williams, Chris Rock, or Dave Chapelle was cracking the joke in a theater? Probably not. And if you would be... man, LIGHTEN UP!