Ali Lohan Should "Replace Her Toothbrush With A Penis"

Illustration for article titled Ali Lohan Should "Replace Her Toothbrush With A Penis"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week was just annoying. The offenders were annoying, the crimes were annoying, and the fact that the same old crap — degradation of women in the name of "funny" or "edgy" blogging — keeps coming up again and again is super annoying. Monitoring Jessica Alba's workout habits, Sienna Miller being branded a slut and the sexualization of female celebs under 18 are just some of the reasons one can get SO ANNOYED. The accused, and the annoyances, after the jump.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Annoyance: Calling Sienna Miller a slut.
The Evidence: "Sienna Miller is a huge slut. Seriously, she's a slut. Urban legend says that if you say her name in a mirror five times in row that she'll appear behind you out of a mist. Then she'll fuck you. Be warned!" So yeah, this is just annoying more than anything else. Because hey, I don't know, Sienna could be a "slut," or she could just be a modern woman who has slept with a couple of dudes but happens to be famous. But you know, a dude bangs a few chicks and he's a stud; a woman shags a bloke or three she's a slut. This is the annoying world we live in. As far as I know, Sienna has been linked to Jude Law and Rhys Ifans. Two men. If that makes her a slut then seriously? We are living in a tear in the space-time continuum.
The Sentence: A punch in the jaw, and a lecture from Slut Machine.

The Accused: The Skinny
First Annoyance: Continuing to monitor the weight of a pregnant woman when you are not, in fact, her OB/GYN.
The Evidence: "It looks like someone is still trying to stay active and fit during her pregnancy... (good for her!) Jessica Alba was spotted leaving the gym earlier this week." Annoying! Is it good for her because everyone else is getting SO FAT while they are fucking PREGNANT???
The Sentence: Babysitting 13 screaming infants while being lectured by your own mom.
Second Annoyance: Doing that "guess the cellulite" thing.
The Evidence: "Guess which female celebrity was spotted going to La Scala for lunch in a pair of shorts, showing off some front thigh cellulite?" People, it's Thinny McThinerson Mischa Fucking Barton for the love of God. So WHAT if she has cellulite? Who the hell doesn't? Does it impact her already subpar acting? Then who cares? Nitpicking!
The Sentence: A slap on the ass and a lecture from Miss Landmine, who is thankful to have thighs.


The Accused: Yeeeah
The Annoyance: Suggesting a 14-year-old girl would be better of with a dick in her mouth. The Evidence: "If [Ali Lohan] wants to emulate Lindsay so badly, there are a lot less painful ways to do it. Replacing her toothbrush with a penis, for example. Switching from decaf to penis. Getting eight hours of penis a night. Instead of lip injections and a nose job, all Ali really needs is Fleet Week in New York and carton of Rough Riders." Look, I know this is really an attempt to insult Lindsay, but it's not cool to joke about a kid blowing a bunch of sailors. Seriously. Someone gets paid to write this stuff, but that doesn't make it okay.
The Sentence: A kick in the nuts and a lecture from a child abuse psychologist.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Annoyance: Drawing a jizzing penis on an innocent 19-year-old, even if she is Rumer Willis; encouraging her to smoke, in order to get ugly and die (?).
The Evidence: "This [picture of Rumer] is about as hot as a torrential stream of shit after as a result of an insufferable case of diarrhea! She had several wardrobe changes and posed in various places, but still found time to smoke and eat a sandwich. We usually try and discourage smoking, but in Rumer's case, we say... Smoke up, bitch!" Hey, I'm not a huge fan of Rumer, but she didn't ask to be celebuspawn. And what's with the careless degradation of women? Fucking annoying!
The Sentence: A slap in the face and a lecture from Gloria Steinem.

DrunkenStepfather Ramble of the Week, about 15-year-old Miley Cyrus:

"I wonder what god is going to think of this good little Disney Christian when he finds out that Miley found a loophole and let's dudes fuck her up the ass because that way she can still technically keep her virginity until marriage since that's what the church wants out of her. I am sure he'll be a lot less disappointed that when she realizes that church is a lot less fun than fucking, doing coke and being a total cunt to the world while spending absurd amounts of money on useless shit while the rest of God's people are dying of starvation."

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Oh Dodai, your punishments are too nice. Seriously too nice.