The plot of the latest untitled Woody Allen film—"On a small college campus, a philosophy professor in existential crisis gives his life new purpose when he enters into a relationship with his student"—was recently brought to our attention. Here's how we imagine that pitch meeting going down.
INT. EXECUTIVE PRODUCER'S OFFICE AT A MAJOR HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STUDIO - DAY
A BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER sits at a desk surrounded by mountains of cocaine. Like more fucking cocaine than you''ll ever see in your whole fucking life. He absentmindedly draws patterns in it as if it's a Japanese zen garden. Suddenly he realizes that he has traced his own son's face. He's missed the boy's youth and is a failure as a father.
BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: No! Too many feelings!
He snorts a mondo line of coke and his eyes are as wide as saucers.
BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: Hacha, baby! That's how you dooooo it.
He pushes a pile of cocaine off his desk, uncovers his buried intercom and buzzes his girl friday.
BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: Is my one o'clock here, babe? Woody Allen's coming in, babe. He's my one o'clock.
The door buzzes and in walks FAMOUS DIRECTOR WOODY ALLEN. He accidentally trips over an end table, falls, stands up and shrugs self-deprecatingly. It's classic Woody.
BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: Woody, babe, what do you got for me?
Woody Allen settles into a chair and spends the next 10-15 minutes stammering. 10-15 minutes later:
WOODY ALLEN: I have a new idea for a movie.
BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: Great, babe.
The BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER shoves aside another pile of coke and uncovers his check book. He starts writing Woody Allen a check for 200 million dollars.
WOODY ALLEN: It's about a neurotic older man who wears glasses and stammers a lot.
BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: Love it, babe.
He crosses out "200 million," and writes "300 million" instead.
WOODY ALLEN: And he's always the smartest guy in the room. Everyone knows it, even his ex-wife who hates him. We show how smart he is by making him very selfish and unkind, but also full of self-loathing.
BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: You're making me hard, babe.
WOODY ALLEN: But here's the twist. He meets a young girl—very young, I mean, barely legal—and they start sleeping together 'cause she can't resist him. He doesn't have to woo her or anything. She's just drawn to his supreme intellect.
BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: Is she quirky?
WOODY ALLEN: Oh, yeah. She's quirky. She wears silly hats and is full of life and is just so, so horny for this older fella. Can't get enough of him.
BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: Great, babe. Great.
He crosses out "300 million," and writes "400 million" instead.
WOODY ALLEN: One thing I can't forget, though, is to remind the audience that our main guy is so much smarter than the girl he's sleeping with. She'll be dumb as a post and our guy will just continually remind her of that. He'll basically be like a father figure only, you know...
BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: They're fucking, babe.
WOODY ALLEN: Yeah, they're fucking. And she's young and hot and he's old and a genius—seriously, there's no smarter guy in the world. Not on the entire planet. Of course, she wants him.
BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: Seriously, babe, I'm so hard.
WOODY ALLEN: I can see that.
The BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER has never had an erection this big in his entire life. He doesn't touch it, but lets WOODY ALLEN stare. It is a mixture of pleasure and pain and he feels so alive.
BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: It's gonna be a great flick, babe. Another winner.
The BIG WIG HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER rips out the check and holds it out for WOODY ALLEN. WOODY stands to take it, revealing that he, too, has an erection. The two men share a brotherly wink before WOODY turns to teeter out the door. He trips over a decorative oriental bench and scrambles to get up, accidentally pulling down a tapestry in the process. It's good to be alive and in the movie biz.
Image via AP