A Proud Salute To Unsexy Halloween Costumes

You’re fed up with ladies costumes being uniformly “sexy”! To prove it, you sent in photos of outfits that ooze from your nether regions, hide your lingerie under layers of sweaty foam, and make you look like crap… literally.

“This is probably my favorite costume I’ve ever done because from the front, guys would be trying to holler with some weak ass lines. Then I would walk past them, and they would see the shit stain on my diaper and say I was nasty or fucked up. I loved it.” — Kimberly Nario

“This is a photo of my friend Sarah last Halloween. She really doesn’t buy into the whole ‘dress sexy cuz it’s Halloween’ thing and thinks the more revolting you look the better. Imagine her delight when she found that people couldn’t hold conversations with her as her face was making them feel sick.” — Louise McSharry

“Murderous doctor” — Lucinda Inganni

“Plague Doctor (Just finished my paper mache mask last night!)” — Cynthia Maunes

“I was Headless Marie Antoinette in 2007. Yeah – there’s some cleavage but it’s decapitated, hand-made cleavage. This costume was all about the scariness factor.” — Nicole Magne

“Last year I went as a second grade laser portrait. The background was attached to me using the straps I ripped off a backpack. I went to a party with a bunch of not even very creative slutty costumes and was met with quite a few overtly hostile stares and some audible ‘Ummmm…. what the hell is SHE supposed to be’s from slutty farm animals. The only high point was when I ran into a girl dressed as Abe Lincoln and we played a couple of hands of Bullshit. Good times.” — Tami Hillberry

“In sixth grade, my parents had a brillant idea for a costume: a toilet. And I was the lucky gal who got to wear it! What is more unsexy than toilet paper with yellow and brown marks on your head (thanks dad!)? Also included but not seen on the picture, linoleum patches on the bottom to complete the look (from our actual bathroom). My parents put so much work into it, I was really proud of that costume!” — Crunchy Snape

“The year I went as a reverse mermaid! I am thinking of adding a tail to reuse the costume as a “fish” or something similar. I even painted my nails green, and carried a bag that I covered in matching scales.” — Jenna Sauers

“My husband and I as the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster (Ghostbusters) in 2007” — Anna Plumb

“I went as Mike Ditka for Halloween one year – I borrowed my boyfriend’s pants, shirt, tie, underwear – everything. Needless to say he was less creeped out by me wearing his clothes than he was by my fake mustache.” — Sarah McMann

“My best friend and I dressed up as Jay and Silent Bob one year. I am Silent Bob, and Jessica is Jay. We had to buy wigs to cross dress as men.” — Macy Jones

“I REFUSE to wear a sexy-anything Halloween costume, which usually results in me being a dude or an inanimate object. I present to you an example of the latter – a few years ago my boyfriend (now husband) went as Tom Hanks from Castaway….and I was Wilson the Volleyball. I rolled (ha) around the whole night rocking a cut-up volleyball on my hand and a white terry cloth jumpsuit. It.was.awesome” — Lara Hamm

“This is a picture of boyreporter and I at a couples’ Halloween party in 2009. I went as Jesus (with a Fiji bottle of red wine) and he went as God (handing out plastic dinosaurs to people), and we would tell people the Holy Spirit was there too but he’s invisible. The most unsexy part of the night is when Jesus ended up puking in the toilet (and his beard) after too many tequila shots.” — girlreporter

“I know you said no lingerie, but how can you resist my best gal Marie’s ‘Sexy Pigeon’ costume? This came from our conversation about how we both hate how lazy and expected it is for women to dress up as the slutty version of what might otherwise be a fun or clever Halloween costume, nevermind freezing one’s ass off anywhere north of the Mason-Dixon line. We were joking about being a sexy warthog or sexy garbage collector, but she really took it to the next level with Sexy Pigeon. What dude wouldn’t be turned on by the slutty version of a fat, oily, trash-eating rat-with-wings in a corset?” — Amy Castellano

“We were the game ‘Rock, Paper, Sissors’ (SHOOT was around as well)…

Nothing gets less sexy than sweating in a XL sweatshirt stuffed with pillows.” — Jessica Roberts

“last year i dressed up as the typical mortifying moment you would read in a teen magazine: ‘i was hanging with my crush, wearing my white pants. things were getting steamy, and i got my period!! it was the worst day of my life!’ i wore zombie makeup because i was mortified TO DEATH.

talk about embarrassing” — bonnie

“I’m a microbiologist, I went as MRSA (methycillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus). Under the microscrope it appears as a “bunch of grapes” or scientifically known as gram positive cocci in clusters. I was at a party with other science and medical professionals, so they all got the joke.” — Sandra Weiland

“I have two unsexy costumes that Id like to submit.
1) Dead Amelia Earhart
2) Newly single Jackie O.

Tasteless? Perhaps. Very unsexy though.” — HeartRateRapid

“Here’s a picture of me a couple of years ago, when I dressed up as a loofa (technically a bath poof) for Halloween.” — Sophia

“I have a great one: for Halloween 2008 I dressed as a dead moose (my pit bull was obviously Sarah Palin).

The best part was going out later with the dude I had a crush on. The super cute girl he had just started dating showed up dressed as a ‘sexy cop’.

To reiterate – I was dressed as a dead moose.

I felt like a huge loser at the time – I had just moved to a new city, didn’t know many people, and discovered that apparently bringing your dog to bars – even on Halloween – is frowned upon in Honolulu. (I had moved from New Orleans, where both ugly costumes and dogs at bars are celebrated institutions) But I went out with my friend/crush anyway and had a decent time despite the fact that nobody got my costume and I felt like a gross pile of roadkill next to sexy cop chick.

It was all worth it in the end though. I’m still proud of my creativity and, as always, my awesome, long-suffering, pit bull Trap Jack. Oh and sexy cop chick didn’t last long (and friend/crush is now my boyfriend).

Yay un-sexy costumes!!” — Emily

“Oil Spill from 2008 (prescient, huh? Wearing this at the Stewart/Colbert rallies next weekend)” — HRHPants

“This is my girlfriend, last halloween, dressed as South Park’s Awesom-O 5000.

True story – while out in Boston – while taking a bathroom break, the GF had a women’s studies major from Simmons College, dressed as a slutty Ninja Turtle, fall into her arms, near tears. Michaelangel-Ho, as we’ll call her, proceeded to spend the next ten minutes telling the GF how much she admired her for respecting her body – and how she wished she had the guts to so herself.

We saw her an hour later doing body shots out of Master Splinter’s belly button.”

“Halloween 2006 I went as Zombie Shari Lewis + Zombie Lambchop.” — Erin Bradley

Spaceman Bill Leah as a lobster.

Eponai as Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks.

“I’m keeping this submission anonymous, because yikes, but this is my favorite costume from a couple years ago.

I was a flasher – trench coat, boots, ‘nude’-colored bra, and the biggest strap-on in my approximate skin color I could afford, with some fake pubes pasted on. The front of the coat tented out a little when it was closed, which was even better, and one guy spat out his beer when I flashed him at a party.”

“This is from Halloween 2007, when I went as my very unsexy, beer-gut-sporting high school gym teacher, Coach Howard. That’s me on the left, forcing my friend Fred to wear a jock strap and harassing him as only a gym teacher can.” — Gayle

“Log lady and agent Cooper from Twin Peaks! Only one person got it.” — Gen Dav

“I was a zombie teacher…impaled by a ruler and pencils!” — Rayvyn86

Colonel Sanders — tommy_tank

“Peggy Hill, because we share the name.” — Margargaret

“I regularly appear as a zombie. I think I’m getting quite good at the prosthetics now.” — KatThirteen

“An arctic wolf being hunted by Sarah Palin in a Piper Cub.” — SkepChick

Cap’n Crunch — Carrie G

“Making costumes is one of my favorite past-times. I wish I had a picture of the year I went as an e-coli bacteria, but alas, it got eaten with my former hard drive. Instead, I present me as Marion Crane in “Psycho”!” — mariawhittle13

“We were the yip-yip aliens from Sesame Street! Completely covered up and we had a little stick that we could make our mouths move up and down as we glided around the party, yipping. BONUS: this year we will be Elmo and Grover, repurposing the fabric.” — seat_5a

“I dressed up as a milk carton one year, while my roommate was a cow. I printed out pictures of my other roommates on the back with MISSING over them, plus their phone numbers (they got a lot of 3 AM calls that Halloween). This was the best costume I’ve ever worn – it was warm and I didn’t get squished at parties. I also saw two other box costumes that night – a cigarette carton and Franzia box.” — Dangling Modifier

“1930’s Lady Racing Plane pilot!

I totally bumped it on the dancefloor.” — edith-irene

“I dressed up as Prince last year. I would argue that Prince himself is undoubtedly sexy….but I had no guys hit on me during my night on the town. I suppose androgyny is hard to come to terms with. Unless you’re me.” — MKdontPlay

“My friend and I went as Simon & Garfunkel. I think we were the only girls wearing enough clothes to be warm at the party.” — Elena Kaminsky

“Hot, but not sexy!” — pbandjulie

“That’s me as a severed head on a platter, and my little brother as Dubya the alcoholic, sneaking a ‘drink’ (yeah, so this is a few years old).” — CrackedEg

Joan Cusak in 16 Candles — chafina

“I’m crazy, so I make pairs costumes for me and my dog. Last year I was a piece of salmon sushi and he was a packet of soy sauce. Please note ginger and wasabi hairpiece. Nothing sexy about raw fish + a dog!” — Purple Monkey

Jerri Blank — Dusty Muff

“I wore this costume for a few years. I think that it should say “Whoopie” though. I can’t decide if I should be a fart or a sexy fart this year!!!” — Sarah_Slaughter

“Oscar the Grouch! Yes, I used a real trash can.” — Justiceschmustice

Bert and Ernie — geeblegee

“This year’s costume: Cathy (of comic strip fame). Questionably sexy, especially since someone thought I was Meg Whitman.” — tateness

“Cheerios bee, made everything myself.. Came out every bit as absurd as I’d hoped” — Amanda Cockerham

“Here I am being very unsexy as Elaine Benes. I don’t know how she pulled it off bc she was obvs gorgeous. Also, could pass as a sister wife.” — Kate!

“It doesn’t get much more un-sexy than Rip Taylor!” — AshleyStIves

Kelly Atchison as her Facebook profile

“I went to a party in this zombie costume last night, and I was the only girl there not wearing a bustier and/or miniskirt. It was pretty epic.” — DixieCyanide