A Primer On The Most Powerful Woman You've Never Heard Of

Illustration for article titled A Primer On The Most Powerful Woman Youve Never Heard Of

We were spending so much time casting blogstones at our fellow Americans' ignorance we probably deserved the humiliation of admitting we weren't familiar with the woman the great authorities at Forbes consider the world's most powerful woman, German Chancellor Angela Merkel. She has a PhD in physics and a picture of Catherine the Great in her office. WHY DO WE KNOW WHO ISABELLA BLOW IS AND NOT THIS LADY? Anyway, here's the embarrassing part: our brother is a press officer for the German Embassy. We consulted said brother, who just the other day introduced us to the ingenious German term "tussi," which indicates a young blond who manages to dress equal parts rich and slutty — the German equivalent of the JAP, basically (ahem) (Google image search result displayed at right) — as to whether Forbes' estimation of Angela's power was correct.

kind of. she should be, but she's sort of hamstrung by her coalition (imagine the republicans and democrats running a coalition government in a parliamentary system ... ok not quite that bad, but almost)..

but if things continue like they are in germany, and she can in the next elections get a coalition that does not include the socialist party (the other big party), then, yes. also, if she were less shy and more willing to come to the US often and crack heads and say crazy shit like sarkozy then she'd be a lot more powerful.

although, i dunno.. what woman would be more powerful? who is no. 2 on the list? oprah?


Answer: Chinese vice premier Wu Yi. Yeah, it's going to be a long, and humbling, day...

The World's Most Powerful Women [Forbes]

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Okay, so there was this chick who came from this weird country that doesn't exist anymore called the GDR. It was a part of war-loser-country Germany, but not the good part that we turned into, like, consumer's heaven with our good old American values, but the really lame communist part that had a wall built around it or some crazy shit. So, no one could get in and no one could get out (God, that's totes what they should do with Manhattan - those queues in the Meatpacking district last Saturday...) and this chick, Angela, was like "might as well get me a career and become a Doctor of Physics, because say what you want about them communists, they sure do love them some gender equality and I sure as hell won't rock the boat." Well said, Angie, but there was all these other people who so didn't dig that wall and repression and whatever and were all like "Wir sind das Volk!" so the wall came down thanks to this douchebag who read the press release wrong and also largely thanks to David Hasselhoff singing "Lookin for freedom" in Berlin. So, homegirl was out of a job and was all "physics is sooo five years ago, politics is the new black, etc" so she joined this way conservative party (which means they're slightly less conservative than our Democrats, but with the word "Christian" in the name) and totally sucked up to all the men who thought she was cute and harmless. I swear she must have read that article in Cosmo about how to get what you want from a guy and it totally worked cos she turned into some super-politician chick. The other politicians got kinda jealous, but she was all "talk to the hand, bro, I'm with the fat dude who runs this place, so suck it LOSERS." The fat dude, who was the Chancellor, called her Mädchen, which would be insulting if you had any, you know, pride, but instead Angie got a career, which is kinda cooler. So the fat dude kept winning elections, although everyone SWORE that they weren't voting for him. Weird, huh? Finally he lost to that swoonsome cigar-smoking guy, and was all "later, Dudes, I'll leave you in the capable hands of my Mädchen." Then there was this scandal, which was about money, not about sex like American political scandals, so who cares, right? I won't bore you with the details, but anyways our girl Angie suddenly was top dog in her party and wanted to be the next Chancellor. But, HELLOO! girlfriend was ugly, and not "wow, Charlize Theron looks rough without makeup," more like "is it really a she-person?" So, girlfriend got a facial and a haircut and some pastel suits that were pretty "meh" but at least not "blech." What with the voters totally unable to make up their minds and all the Peniscarriers - swoonsome or not - going crazy on the night of the election, suddenly Angie was the Chancellor of Germany. Whoops, that's weird, now Germany has this totally powerful woman in charge, but it's only good in a "gurlfrieeend" kind of way, not in a "more power to the sisters" way, cos all Angie does is try to keep the kids in parliament from pulling each other's hair and let Little Boy Bush have his way with her. Something about being grateful to the Americans for ending the War. Yeah, let's thank them by STARTING ANOTHER ONE! That challenging the establishment stuff just isn't Angie's thing.