A Look at the Broadway Production of Newsies That Your 10-Year-Old Self Has Been Dying For

Look, I love Newsies as much as anybody. Seriously, there was a time of my life when I had a Newsies outfit and, dear God, spent hours a day reading Newsies fan fiction (yes, it exists and, yes, shit gets real weird). I get why people are worried about the Broadway production — it's a classic movie that many of us hold very dearly in our hearts and no one wants to see something so steeped in nostalgia ruined or have its integrity damaged, but I have to say something: Newsies didn't have any integrity to begin with. It's a terrible movie, guys. Don't get me wrong. It's a GREAT movie, but terrible all of the same. Take it as a testament of my level of fandom that I notice these things, but, editing-wise, it's a continuity shit show. Christian Bale, though so young and charming, is a terrible dancer and singer. In fact, anytime there's a big song or dance number (like "Carrying the Banner" or "Seize the Day"), they choreograph him out of frame as quickly as possible. The love story does not make sense (unless you're talking about the love story between Racetrack and Mush, in which case it's perfect, xoxo, don't ever change). And Crutchy? Annoying as shit. Newsies is a mess, which, in addition to a legitimately awesome song book by Alan Menken, is what makes it so loveable.


All I am trying to say is let's give these new paperboys a chance. Nothing can take away the love you hold in your heart for the truly ridiculous original, but that doesn't mean you can't make room for what could be an equally fun stage production. And if Broadway's Newsies ends up being irredeemably awful, you can always cleanse your palate by staring into the dreamy eyes of Spot Conlon, O.G.



"It's a terrible movie, guys. Don't get me wrong. It's a GREAT movie, but terrible all of the same."

You shut your dirty mouth.