It’s hard to imagine that Angelina Jolie has found time to date, in between fighting with ex-Brad Pitt over the ownership of a haunted French chateau, being a contributing editor at Time or possibly running for president eventually. She also has interesting taste, which could make it hard to find someone who fits her specific blend of Hot People With Dirt Bag Aesthetics and Interesting Reputations That Make Things Other People Like: Jenny Shimizu, Billy Bob, Colin Farrell, Johnny Lee Miller.
But those were mostly in the ‘90s. Since the 2000s, the only relationship she’s been known for is her tumultuous, hyper-visible affair-turned-relationship-turned-short lived marriage to Brad Pitt, whom she met on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And let’s be honest—Brad Pitt is a little square. Sure, a decade ago his jawline was one of the more interesting things to look at in movies, but he has little personality and exudes the energy of a middle-aged man desperate to be young and hot and free again. Just look at his newsboy cap! My own father gives the same energy, and owns that hat!
It isn’t hopeless for Angie, though. Us Weekly reports that she is “finally moving on from” the occasional movie star, even going on a “few dates” recently. Too bad they were “nothing serious,” according to sources, since she’s more focused on “the kids, her job, and cleaning up her messy divorce.” Understandable! Promoting a movie like Maleficent 2 must be a full time job, and with her kids grown and Maddox off to college—I imagine she’s beside herself trying to coordinate assistants. Thankfully, I am neither her assistant, or someone short on the sort of free time that allows me to thoughtfully put together a list of potential suitors for Angie.
The following call sheet for Angelina Jolie’s future life partners (or whatever rich people are calling their spouses these days) is in no way comprehensive, or even helpful. But I’ve carefully curated the following names from literally millions of people who are single, alive, and willing to date. No small feat!
I’ve always maintained that brands, unlike people, are not people. But rumors circled the gossip drainpipe for years that Angelina Jolie desperately wanted in on the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Thankfully, she was cast in The Eternals (alongside Richard Madden,) the successor to the now-defunct Avengers franchise. But will a simple movie role be enough to secure her spot as the next head bitch of Kevin Feige’s daily life? Unsure. If she really wants to secure her spot in the Disney Industrial Complex, I suggest she go ahead and date the entire Marvel canon. Every movie, all at once. Open relationships are in! And besides, rumors of in-fighting between her various cabals of super-powered boyfriends and girlfriends would keep Us Weekly in business for at least another decade.
Think about it: Brad Pitt, spelled a different way, is Bradley Cooper. And there couldn’t be a better pairing than women with sharp cheekbones and a penchant for partying with various billionaires and influentials, that also happened to be scorned by mid-life crisis suffering a-listers. They also love wearing expensive clothes, sometimes walking on red carpets, and share a deep connection to our suffering planet.
Considering Angie’s proclivity for bad boys with an even worse reputation, I can see her doing no better than the Hamburglar himself. Stealing kid’s Happy Meals, wearing a prison jumpsuit with a tie, never taking his mask off—he’s everything Billy Bob wanted to be, yet never could.
Everyone knows that Lady Gaga is a persona. The real woman behind the beloved icon, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germonatta, entranced the gossip press during most of last year’s awards cycle with her “will they won’t they” tension with A Star is Born co-star Bradley Cooper. But, to date Stefani, you also have to date Lady Gaga—something I’m sure Angie is well equipped to do! She clearly enjoys taking care of people—why else would you have that many children willingly—so she’d be ready to carry Stefani through her many struggles with fibromyalgia. But as a movie star, she’s just as ready to strut along the Emmys red-carpet for whatever Ryan Murphy slash Netflix production Gaga will star in next.
He swears, he makes naughty jokes, is tough on crime, probably smokes cigarettes, and has a lot of body hair. He’s also a fictional cop, which means she could avoid the PR crisis that would be dating an actual cop. (Remember Lana Del Rey? I don’t! And that’s because she’s dating a cop.) I also think that, like Angie, Detective Pikachu is severely misunderstood, and the two could find common ground in moving through the world feeling isolated and alone. Plus, her humanitarian tendencies could help the couple shed a light on the severely overlooked health issue that is people who turn into Pokemon.
If Angie ever decides to settle down, I’d suggest dating a Property Brother. Especially the one dating Zooey Deschanel, considering his former career as a magician would give her something to relate to. It would also greatly boost her popular appeal with most Americans, seeing as the Property Brothers are widely liked and popular with the same type of people who still buy tabloids at the checkout stand. The same tabloids, unfortunately, that routinely call her all sorts of horrible names for being a woman who wears expensive clothes while she hands big checks to poor people. The synergy of the relationship would be unparalleled! (And don’t you get the vibe that in another life, Brad Pitt would be a Property Brother? Think of it like revenge, Angie!)
- John Mellencamp: Wouldn’t it be funny if he moved on from Meg Ryan to Angelina Jolie? Andy Cohen would have an excuse to mention her at Housewives reunions.
- Pete Davidson: He likes older brunettes!
- Kaitlynn Carter: This one seems obvious.
- Justin Theroux After He Got His Back Tattoo: The tabloids have pitted her and Jennifer Aniston against each other for years. Why stop now!