Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

A League's Fixed Game, A Nation's Lost Innocence

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

Okay, I realize I'm taking a wild gamble here, but this is Mike Bibby. Of all the dreamboats on the 2002 Sacramento Kings he was the dreamiest, although I'll always carry a torch for Vlade Divac and Bobby Jackson also rules... anyway, so. Everyone hearts the Sacramento Kings this year. Moreover, everyone hates the Lakers. (Except Lakers fans, but they don't count.) And the Kings are winning the Western Conference Finals, which in those days de facto meant winning the championship, but the refs keep fucking things up, launching new waves of conspiracy theorizing among anyone who actually still watched professional basketball. Anyway, and then Game 6 happened, and Mike Bibby got a huge bloody nose from Kobe Bryant, and the refs called a foul...on Bibby...and yeah, well if that wasn't just a harbinger of things to come! (That and the 2000 election, but you know.) Ralph Nader called for an official investigation. I drowned my sorrows in 2 a.m. World Cup beers. And today, a few thousand days and a few hundred million dollars short for the NBA, it turns out Game 6 was, indeed, probably fixed, so you can dedicate tonight's beer to David Stern. Him and George "Man of Peace" Bush, Hugo "Black Power" Chavez, Abu Dhabi and the really dumb thing EMILY's List stands for with me and Megan after the jump.

MOE: Yo whassup.
It's finally no longer insanely humid here for about 5 more minutes
MOE: Did it rain last night? Apparently there was
some sort of hurricane during my panel last night.
MEGAN: Yes, I was going to dinner and I looked in my
closet and was like, hey! There are those white linen pants I love and
haven't worn! So naturally it poured rain.
MOE: Yo, this is probably a Crappy Hour first but I'd
like to discuss this disgraced gambling addicted ref... I used to be really into basketball and
the 2002 Western Conference Finals between the Sacramento Kings and
the Lakers was...probably the most exciting ten days of pro basketball
at least since Jordan retired, and then fucking Game Six comes along,
and Kobe elbows Mike Bibby and Bibby gets a fucking serious bloody
MEGAN: Um, I believe you have now officially lost me?
MOE: Okay, well you see there was this crooked ref in the NBA...
MEGAN: Wait, ok, so, like a guy that is being kicked
out is the one that made that call to extend the game? That sucks.
So, everyone cheats in sports. What the fuck?
MOE: No no no, I guess now that he's been disgraced
he's filing suit against the NBA alleging that games are fixed by
referees to suit the interests of PROFIT.

Tim knew referees A and F to be "company men," always
acting in the interest of the NBA, and that night, it was in the NBA's
interest to add another game to the series. Referees A and F heavily
favored Team 6. Personal fouls [resulting in obviously injured
players] were ignored even when they occurred in full view of the
referees. Conversely, the referees called made-up fouls on Team 5 in
order to give additional free throw opportunities for Team 6. Their
foul-calling also led to the ejection of two Team 5 players. The
referees' favoring of Team 6 led to that team's victory that night,
and Team 6 came back from behind to win that series."


MEGAN: Ugh, that totally sucks.
MOE: And the Kings were the most awesome team that year.
MEGAN: It's like finding out that all the baseball
players are hopped up on steroids and shit, it's just like... I don't
care that much about homers that I want it all to be fake.
MOE: Nah, it's different though with steroids.
Everyone can take steroids. But if you come from a small market in the
NBA you're doomed, you know?
MEGAN: Well, but the AL system fucks over teams, too,
it's just more designed to fuck over small market teams without paying
the umps to do it.
But, yes, those refs blow.
MOE: Don says:

it's like the baseball
strike(s).. that fucked MLB up reallllll goooood. And it took
McGuire/Sosa home-run race to bring something back to the game (insert
steriod aside here)


is that a fair analogy... for someone who doesn't like sports?
I'm thinking we should move on though.
And speaking of disgraces a fraud-convicted hedge fund manager didn't show up for his 20 year
MEGAN: Gosh, imagine that. Do they really think he
offed himself without a body? Although, I type that and recall that
last year a minorly-prominent think tanker decided to kill himself and
went into the woods and it took more than a week to find him. If
you're going to off yourself, you really ought to leave a note. It's
only fair.
MOE: So the dolt who is still somehow our president wants you to know he's a man
of peace...think he and McClellan really will be sitting next to one
another on the rocking chairs in a few years reminiscing on the good
old days?
MEGAN: Snerk. And Andy Card and Ari Fleischer and
they'll all laugh and laugh and laugh about the good old days when
they misled the American public into an unwinnable war by promising
our soliders would be greeted with parades and flowers as liberators
and God won't even strike them down because there isn't a God.
MOE: God he is so...Bush

Asked about
corruption allegations dogging Hamid Karzai, the Afghan President, Mr
Bush insisted: "I have found him to be an honest man."

He also offered words of encouragement for another ally, Gordon Brown,
whom he will meet on Sunday. He said that he needed no advice on
coping with political adversity. He is "plenty confident and plenty
smart, plenty capable — he can sort it out".


MEGAN: Well, dude, I mean, he looked into Putin's
eyes and saw his soooooul. He's totally a good dude, he has the soul
of a democratic leader even if he has the actions of a fascist
MOE: I mean, it's stuff like this that makes you see
why no
one even bothers protesting his shit anymore.
MEGAN: Well, plus they all know he's outta here in
January. And the economy probably sucks there, too.
So, do you want to talk US politics for a sec? Like, about a post-Clinton
EMILY's list.
MOE: yeah I have to remember that January is actually
soon, and stop thinking about the 150 crappy hours that will make
every day draaaaaaag.
MEGAN: Aw, come on, it's, like, fun! Or educational.
You miss me when I'm gone, I swear... And Spencer is no you. You're
much prettier.
MOE: Um okay admission: Early Money Is Like Yeast...did
not know about that one. But see, what idiots. They're like
"it makes the dough rise" when, aside from Tatiana the bread baking
fashion model, I don't fucking know a single girl my age who hears
"yeast" and thinks anything other than "itch." "Hops" on the other
MEGAN: But hops don't make anything rise! But, yes,
if someone says yeast I don't think baking either, but yeast is also
in beer.
MOE: Um, and they registered the domain name
MEGAN: I'm not sure I can accurately express how high
I just rolled my eyes.
MOE: Wait and I just realized I was reading the
Washington Independent and the byline was Sridhar that where
that guy works now?
MEGAN: Yeah, he just started like a couple of weeks ago.
MOE: They couldn't have landed a more unique prose

Moran also addressed the issue of sexism which,
during the course of the campaign played the role of the gopher chased
by Bill Murray in "Caddyshack" — popping up and down, up and down, as
the weeks and months went by.


MEGAN: That is the kind of random metaphor the
Washington Post really does need more of, in my opinion.
Their loss, I guess.
MOE: Tim Noah is with you on Jim Webb I'm
sure you've seen. I mean, and I am not one of those people who thinks
Obama truly has to make amends with women — what did he do
to them? — but the aggro stuff and the Tailhook stuff and the "that's
between me and my gun" stuff and the "that's between me and my boy"
...just, isn't this a better guy to have as a mate-mate than a running
Wow also using the word "mate" reminded me of Anna, who is in
Australia, which is weird.
MEGAN: Yeah, I mean, I just ain't feeling the Jim
Webb love. The whole point of putting him on the ticket would be the
whole "we need a real man to counter McCain's 'real man-ness'" which
itself is bullshit and, frankly, this is not going to be a vote for
who is a better warmonger.
Especially if the economy still sucks. If you look at McCain's
economic plan, it's literally the Bush Administration wish list of
what they never got accomplished. Anyone feeling the Bush
Administration economic plan love? Anyone?
MOE: Um, did you read this strange WashPost story about Hugo Chavez? Written by the deputy managing
editor or whatever? On an ASNE junket? Or something?
I love the pic though, of Chavez and his miniature 100-calorie pack
Venezuelan constitution hahahahaha.
MEGAN: He says to the one African-American dude in
the crowd "Black power?"
MOE: Yeah I liked that too.
MEGAN: And the dude is all like, yeah, um, black
power, President Chavez because what do you do when the
dictator of a foreign country says something so very strange?
MOE: Check the press conference where Chavez denies
helping out FARC:

His style was this: After first
complimenting the beautiful eyes of a Spanish reporter, Chávez curled
his lips, frowned and scornfully declared that the Interpol news
conference, "this show organized by these clowns," did "not deserve a
single serious comment." Then he commented ad infinitum in an
hour-long counterattack.
There was guilt by association and character assassination. He called
Noble, a former U.S. law enforcement official, "disgusting,"
"immoral," "corrupt," "irresponsible," "shameful" and "Dick Tracy, the
super-cop," and a "gringo cop" at that.
There were theater and faux magic. He used a mock card trick (he said
he learned it from Castro) to help dramatize how he thought the
incriminating data had wound up on the computers. He scribbled a note,
stepped into the audience and showed it to a reporter. Then he walked
over and planted it on one of his ministers sitting in the front row
— just as he believed the files would have been planted on the


MEGAN: Right. He totally never helped FARC at all,
that would be beneath him to try to destabilize another country. Also,
he and Ted "Series of Tubes" Steven should get together and discuss
that wacky internet stuff.
MOE: Well this is a surprise: Obama
has been sneaking fags throughout the campaign.
MEGAN: Commenter whyknot has been saying for months
that's the rumor in Chicago as well. I mean, fuck, I don't smoke but
wouldn't you?
MOE: Yes. Okay, last thing, Abu Dhabi just bought the Chrysler building and it's this big deal but
the Chrysler building didn't even cost a billion dollars and Abu Dhabi's been pouring tens of billions into our financial system so you
know, I'm just saying.
MEGAN: Oh, well, weren't we all freaking out in the
early nineties about the Japanese buying up real estate and taking
over the country?