A Golden Girls-Themed Version of Clue Is Being Released, and I'm Taking the Bait

I’m nothing if not predictable. After seeing a tweet that contained an image of what appeared to be a Golden Girls-themed version of the classic board game Clue, I went into a brief frenzy and began a search to prove its authenticity.

I decided that if the game was a fake—something from, say, Tumblr or Deviant Art that would never actually see the light of day—I would start a petition to make it a reality. If, by the grace of Blanche, it was proven to be the real deal, I planned right then and there to do whatever it would take to acquire it. Lucky for myself (and the millions of other Golden Girls fans around the world), Clue®: The Golden Girls is the real deal—a game that, per its manufacturer, will challenge players to solve “WHO ate the last piece cheesecake, WHAT they left at the scene of the crime, and WHICH room they did it in.” Perfect.

Let’s examine the brilliant creation, beginning with these things:

Players will get to choose between Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, Sophia, and two seemingly male characters from the show as their representative game pieces. Though both are faceless, green appears to be Rose’s long-term boyfriend, Miles, while yellow (based primarily on the monkey, a reference to the classic two-part hurricane episode) is likely Dorothy’s sleazy ex-husband, Stan. The empty space where their eyes, nose, and mouths should be suggests there may have been an issue with image rights, but regardless of the reason, I’m not too worked up about their absence.

Moving on, the evidence:

We’ve got hairspray, a robe (I think), lipstick, a shoe, a wicker chair, and Sophia’s wicker purse. Not the most creative options (Where’s Dorothy’s iconic mink stole? Or Rose’s teddy bear? Or Blanche’s sex journals?), but they’ll do.

Finally, there’s the game board itself:

This is a stunning piece of art. Much like the home as it appears in the show, this floorplan makes absolutely no sense. (The bedroom hallway is…an impossible space.) Fortunately, the rooms themselves are beautifully rendered, right down to Blanche’s bed, the rarely seen bathroom’s tile, and what I presume to be a wheelchair belonging to lecherous Italian architect Vincenzo collecting dust in the garage.

Clue®: The Golden Girls is “coming soon” from USAopoly, and I’ll be purchasing it the moment its put on sale because I’m precisely the kind of sucker they envisioned when developing it.