A Complete Guide to the Many Wars Being Waged in the 2012 Elections

Illustration for article titled A Complete Guide to the Many Wars Being Waged in the 2012 Elections

If the 2008 election was characterized by Sarah Palin shooting wolves from helicopters and the McCain campaign in the foot (also from a helicopter), the 2012 election season thus far has been characterized by calling everything criticizing anything a "war" on that thing. But wars are nothing if not warlike, and with so many figurative armed skirmishes in such close proximity to each other, they must be somehow fighting. So which war of this election cycle deserves the title of King of the Wars On Things? The War on Women? The War on Religion? Warren Buffet?


First off, let's dismiss Warren Buffet right now. He's got War in his name, but Grandpa Moneybags is kindly and elderly, in no shape to throw fisticuffs and probably not fit to pass the military's stringent physical standards. The Buffet Rule, however, brings us to the first war we should consider: Class Warfare. You might assume that when a person says "class warfare," they mean that the people with means and money and power are forcing poor people to sell their babies so that they can be used for human batteries like in The Matrix, but in fact, when people say "class warfare" on the news nowadays, what they mean is that poor people would like it if rich people paid higher taxes. Also, gentle guitar playing Occupy Wall Street types are humbly requesting banks not be allowed to do whatever the fuck they want to whoever they want at all times. Asking for money from people is exactly like shooting them, and regulating banks is sort of like sodomizing the late J. P. Morgan. That's why it physically hurts so much to pay sales tax — every time you're compelled to give money to the government, a tiny, invisible hand appears to stab you in the pancreas. Class warfare (2012 version) is serious business.

But if you think The Rich have it rough, wait till you hear what horrible things are happening to Christians in America. The long suffering religious minority, which comprises more than 3/4 of the population and has been the faith of choice for every single US President, has been under attack by what can best be described as an army of insatiable vaginas and nancy-boys. And all things unmanly are attacking Christianity on multiple fronts. First, gay people are demanding the right to be married, which, as everyone knows, will ruin straight marriage on account of the fact that it will give straight people ideas (Giving other dudes blow jobs??! What a fantastic proposition! Why didn't I think of that? Bye, wife! Piss off, kids! I'm off to my new life of gayness!). And now, in some states, gay people have worked up the nerve to request that lawmakers enact rules making bullying children a criminal offense on account of the fact that some Christian parents want their Christlike kids to retain the right to call other kids "fags." But the worst feminine trespassers on organized religion's constitutionally-guaranteed Freedom of Oppression are women themselves — specifically, women who are employed by religious institutions who wish to use their employer sponsored insurance plan in order to purchase birth control pills. The government's failure to use its earthly authority to back the church's non-fact-based agenda is akin to declaring War on Religion. How many popes need to die before we realize the error of our ways?

Eager to train for their run for the gold medal in this year's upcoming Victim Olympics in London (occurring a month after the regular Olympics, so participants can get kick the games off right by complaining about how terrible a job the real Olympics did cleaning up after themselves), conservative ladies were quick to declare that they, too, had war declared on them, thus equating a series of comments from a Democratic CNN employee critical of Ann Romney's choice to stay at home with her children with being fired on by drones in the mountains of Afghanistan. From her hollowed out bunker deep in a cave in Colorado Springs, battle-weary and bloodied, possibly missing an eye, Malkin sent a message to her fellow attacked conservative ladies, urging them to fight on. Sarah Palin's horse has yellow fever, but she bravely rides on into an exchange that happened between two other women two days ago. Do you hear the people sing? The War on Conservative Moms continues to wage, as right wing lady pundits will be spending the next several days flopping across cable news shows like diving soccer players trying to get the ref to flash a red card at the President.

In the battle of the political wars, the one that mostly resembles an actual war with fighting and people getting hurt is what graphics behind news anchors' heads have been calling the War on Women. Of course, no one's suggesting that women be subjected to the horror of having to pay higher taxes like Class Warfare, or the indignity of not being allowed to force other people to live lives according to their doctrine like the War on Religion, or the soul-crushing torture and violence of being accused of being a lazy rich lady by a pundit with opposing political views like the War on Conservative Moms. But the War on Women has given us such gems as a serious debate over whether or not to renew the 12-year-old Violence Against Women Act because it expands protection for gay people and immigrants, and an all-male panel discussing whether or not birth control should be provided to women with bosses who don't like birth control, and several bans on late-term abortions that would force many women with dangerous or doomed pregnancies to wait until an emergency to take any medical action on the inevitable, and the shuttering of a $30 million program designed to help low-income women get health care because the state of Texas doesn't want to give money to Planned Parenthood, and state legislators saying that women should avoid divorce when they're getting beaten by remembering why they fell in love with their husbands (his eyes... and left hook). People could actually get hurt because of this!

But men have been blaming women for making them do things since Adam blamed Eve for using her smaller size and less formidable upper body strength to strongarm him into eating fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. So it's no surprise that some men are continuing their blamey tradition into modern, less pubey times (because, if you think about it, there were probably pubes all over the Garden of Eden due to the nudity and lack of razors). At the forefront of the Blaming Women brigade is Republican National Committee Chairman Reinhold Reince Priebus. During an appearance on a news program, he declared war on the War on Women, saying that it's fiction, a fairy story made up by Democrats (many of whom are women) about as feasible a notion as a War on Caterpillars. In the time it took me to type that sentence, 1,000 caterpillars needlessly died. Where's your heart, Reinhold?

So which war is the best war? That title goes to a below-the-radar war that you don't hear much talk about— The War on Facts.



Is it too late to declare a War On Starers?