9/11, Self-Esteem & Celebrity Tabloids: It's A Depressing Day All Around

Illustration for article titled 9/11, Self-Esteem  Celebrity Tabloids: Its A Depressing Day All Around

Hey, did you know it's September 11th? Yeah, it is. And Moe and I are even both in New York! But it's the kind of day where we stayed out kind of late and therefore need coffee and less depressing news, so we focus on Joe Biden's self-esteem problems, Pakistan, what's not getting built at Ground Zero, and the intellectual allure of David Perel, Editor in Chief of the National Enquirer and quipper extraordinaire. Think he'd have drinks with Moe and me?
MOE: Hey sorry to be late AGAIN. I'm in my own house this time at least. And you are at Anna's. I went to a hip hop show last night. I have not yet brewed coffee. Ohhhh Joe Biden baby get some self-esteem. Why would you say that? As good as it would be for the VP debate ratings. Also Nike has a new slogan in Europe. It is also the name of a popular Catholic hymn. What, "Be Not Afraid" was taken? Ugh. Coffee. Must brew MEGAN: Ugh, so, probably drinking more after I finished that first bottle of wine last night, while it seemed like a good idea at the time, probably wasn't. But I have my coffee well in hand already because otherwise, I would've crawled back into bed. And, someone needs to be nicer to Biden or something! He's likeable, too! Remember how we all liked him and his mama at the Democratic convention? Baby, it's cool, everyone's just a little distracted by the popular girl but you're so choice-a-riffic, it's sexy, they'll be back. I think I heard both those hymns the last time I was in church. Oh, Jesus Christ, this line:

The agency decided to use animation to make the athletes less intimidating.

MOE: The other night we got a stalker tip on Serena Williams and the tipster noted that she "looked elegant, but has very toned arms." YOU DON'T SAY, DUMBASS TIPSTER. Oh I guess I should note here that it is September 11. Ughhhh okay the coffee looks ready. MEGAN: I know, I'm not sure which part of my masochistic brain was all "Go to New York for September 11th!" except maybe the part where I've been in D.C. for the last 6 of them and thus I was going to be one of the two places anyway. MOE: Ha ha ha whose idea was it to turn on the Hadron Collider for September 11? I like their sense of timing. MEGAN: When I was home with my family, they watch the actual network newscasts and NBC was all interviewing the Swiss guy who was like "They're going to create a black hole that will eat the Earth!! They must be stopped!!" It was kind of completely awesome and sort of made me want to watch the actual broadcast news more! MOE: Sorry I keep getting bumped off. And a friend of Julie's is here now, wanting to show me an internet video. What else is happening? MEGAN: No worries, I was just reading your brilliant piece about the oil-for-sex scandal. Anything Saddam can do, we can do better! And one of our readers apparently works for McCain and totally ripped off my smelly vagina line from yesterday and I'm trying to figure if I can sue for royalties. MOE: The video is pretty awesome. Have you seen "America Is Fucked (Graphically At Least)"?? MEGAN: Um, I'm watching something called "Magic Flashlight" and it's making me want to get drunk and play with glowsticks... Am I watching the right thing? MOE: Oh my god that is amazing but what the fuck LINKins? Two seconds of coding was two seconds too many? God that is awesome. Priceless. And no, shit, maybe I sent you the wrong link. Google "jess gibson america fucked graphically at least" though not actually in quotes like that duh. It's worth watching. I think anyway. I still seem to be not quite conscious. Wait, did I miss the part of Sarah Palin's resume where she was a CEO? Or are they just talking about the thriving if imaginary enterprise that was "Rouge Cou"? Email from my brother:

i had a nightmare last night that "terrorists" assassinated joe biden, and john mccain and sarah palin were promising the country they would bring the real killers to justice and everyone was talking about how presidential they were and then i woke up and wanted to jump out the window. i need to get out of this city.

MEGAN: I just had dreams that I was pruning houseplants but kept pruning the wrong branches and leaving the dead ones and taking the live ones. Your brother has strange dreams, Also, I think her "executive" experience is as in "executive branch." Because she was a mayor, see? MOE: And about an hour and a half later I get a little email from the Obama campaign subheaded "Join Me." Message from my brother: "AHHHHHHHH look at what sarah palin made me do!!!" Yeah but they're making signs that say "CEO". MEGAN: Oh, well, then people are just fucking stupid. Big surprise. Anyway, here's a good link to that video. Anna was just like, what the fuck is that? Oh, God, I sort of completely love the Enquirer's editor's OpEd in the Wall Street Journal on what is fair game. MOE: Ha!

In this fractious environment, politics has made for more than strange bedfellows. Witness Mr. McCain greeting Levi Johnston and quickly becoming buddies with the 18-year-old hockey player who impregnated the daughter of his running mate. Mr. McCain presumably did not have a copy in his pocket of the recently adopted platform of the Republican Party, which contained within its instructive gospel of morality and values: "We renew our call for replacing 'family planning' programs for teens with increased funding for abstinence education, which teaches abstinence until marriage as the responsible and expected standard of behavior. . . . We oppose school-based clinics that provide referrals, counseling, and related services for abortion and contraception."



I've heard that [Sarah Palin] shoots wolves from helicopters. I've seen a video of her firing a rifle, and she looks like she handles it well. All of this leads me to the conclusion that Levi Johnston is either the bravest or stupidest teenager in Alaska.

I snorted laughing at that one, and not just because my Dad used to ask my high school dates if they wanted to inspect his shotgun collection. My dad, by the way, doesn't own guns. Also, I liked this part of it:

The mainstream media would like to believe it has evolved from the era of William Randolph Hearst — he of the infamous proclamation, "you furnish the pictures, I'll furnish the war." Yet, when a Republican VP nominee showed up with a pregnant teenage daughter, the mainstream media's superego disappeared faster than Dan Quayle at a spelling bee.


He even rags on the stupidity of George Bush!

The two-newspaper city, once a staple of every metropolis, is already as rare as a grammatically correct sentence from George Bush.


Do you think this guy would come drinking with us some time? He sounds like one of the more fun EICs to drink with. MOE: Um what is this "getdrunkandvote4mccain" thing? Also: what is Ann Coulter's problem with getting tough on Pakistan? They are Muslims with nukes who sponsor the Taliban and just bombed the Indian embassy. Do you just hate America Ann Coulter? Oh wait yes she does. MEGAN: Ann must not have read that Bush is already bombing the shit out of Pakistan. MOE: Can you tell me something? Do we know what is being built at Ground Zero? And how much money has been wasted getting to this point? MEGAN: Three office towers, the stupidly-named Freedom Tower, a memorial and a transit hub. And millions upon millions wasted. MOE: Dude this headline/byline combination: unintentionally hilarious or intentionally so? MEGAN: I'm going to say: unintentionally hilarious. Because I'm sure Ms. Lynn Forester de Rothschild would consider herself a child of privilege, not an elitist. MOE: Ugh I'm still not quite awake, but I love how Politico is all this reminder of John McCain's principled stand against the unconscionable wastefulness of the military industrial complex could "boost" McCain. Um, yeah sure that is what people care about right now. MEGAN: I think there are probably 4 people in all of America who really care about that tanker deal and they were all voting for John McCain anyway. MOE: Oh come on I care(d) about it. Anyway, egg sandwich. I give up. MEGAN: It's that kind of Thursday.

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I was not in New York; I was in Montreal, and my live-in boyfriend at the time used to have this early seminar and got up at 7 and had the radio on. And he woke me up to, "They're saying a prop plane flew into the World Trade Center and it doesn't look like a mistake." He went to school, and I watched the towers come down on a crappy, fading-in-and-out BBC video feed in my pyjamas.

I had the first meeting an American history seminar that afternoon; I spent three hours sitting outside a locked classroom talking to my classmates because our professor, who lived in VT, could not get through the border.

Montreal was quiet too. I get the sentiment that this day belongs to New York, but I think there's nothing wrong with talking about how much of a shock it was to all of us.