7 Deadening Reasons We Are Better Off Without Bill Clinton Back In The Oval Office

Illustration for article titled 7 Deadening Reasons We Are Better Off Without Bill Clinton Back In The Oval Office

Gennifer Flowers, I think you spoke for many of us humans when you said that you supported Hillary with all your feminist cockles but for her and - these are your words not mine - that "idiot husband" of hers. A new, and controversial, Vanity Fair piece explores the nature of Bill Clinton's idiocy, or more precisely his "id," and we read it last night so you wouldn't have to actually labor over any of that elegant prose. (Key phrases: "repellent grandiosity," "cavernous narcissism," "Bubba Trouble.") The piece's writer, Todd Purdum, is married to Dee Dee Myers, who used to work for Clinton, just to show you…you don't need to be the worst president in the history of America to disillusion your old staff! Click to find out about Bill's "fast crowd" of nefarious sex predators, nefarious dictators and attractive extracurricular arm candy! And renew your sympathy for Monica, Chelsea, and all the other girls he's loved before, namely one particular long-suffering senator from New York.


1. You could almost blame it all on his enabling assistant Doug Band.

Responsible for introducing Bill to Anne Hathaway's deadbeat boyfriend? Check. Wrote that aggro letter telling that restaurant to take Chelsea's photo off the wall? Check. Married to a handbag designer? Check. Okay, but even this guy, Clinton's "butt boy" turned right hand man, doesn't think Bill should be hanging out with fucking Ron Burkle, which brings us to…

2.But whatever, once a cad, always a fucking cad.

Back in 1992, some AIDS activists gave Bill a bucket of condoms, to which he "instantly" replied, "My staff thinks this is the last thing I need." Ha ha ha, fast forward to the post-how-that-shit-got-him-impeached part and he is hanging out with Elizabeth Hurley's babydaddy Steve Bing and supermarket magnate Ron Burkle, whose private jet is nicknamed Air Fuck One and who leads what they call a "European lifestyle," perhaps because that is the continent of origin of so many of the models on Air Fuck One, but in any case, as one of Burkle's aides says, "How many older guys wouldn't want to hang out with younger girls, if they could? Would you rather hang out with a smart, good-looking 20-year-old, or a 45-year-old?" (Hm.) He's stirred up side-fuckery rumors with everyone from Canadian politico Belinda Stronach to Gina Gershon to some lady in Chappaqua to another lady at the Aspen Institute and a "ravishing entourage in a New York elevator" about whom a former Clinton aide said a "business leader" said upon seeing them, "I don't know what the guy was doing, but it was so clear that it was just no good." Four former Clinton aides tell Vanity Fair that about 18 months ago, one of the president's former assistants, who still advises him on political matters, tried to stage an "intervention."

3. Monica was kind of cool for a starstruck 25-year-old intern.

According to Andrew Morton's Monica's Story, Lewinsky was about to deliver her Christmas gifts to Bill when she learned Eleanor Mondale, Clinton's jogging partner on whom he had a known crush, had been with him at the White House."Do you think I would be stupid enough to go running with someone I was foolin' with?," Clinton later asked Lewinsky, to which she said, "Do you want me to answer that?" Plus:

4. The last night Bill and Monica were together he serenaded her with the song "Try A Little Tenderness."

Was it gratuitous of Purdum to excerpt the "shabby dress" line? Oh, probs, but barf anyway.

5. Ron Burkle isn't the worst of it, oh hell no, because in 2002 Bill Clinton flew to Africa with Jeff Epstein on Jeff's private 727.

Jeffrey. Fucking. Epstein. Jeff Epstein, folks. He knows how to pick em.


6. Abbreviated list of nefarious dictatorships whose business relationships with Clinton would probably conflict with Hillary's interests, if they were not likely also funding her campaign, since their finances are comingled since, oh yeah, I almost forgot, they are still married.

Kazakhstan: a dictatorship. I mean, guys named Nursultan Nazarbayev don't just get elected. Clinton was involved with some shady miner's bid to work on some sort of natural resources project I don't really remember.

Ukraine: this photo of Bill Clinton hanging out with Leonid Kuchma, the former Ukrainian dictator-type who likes to poison enemies, made a poisoned journalist's widow want to "throw up."

Dubai: Has a lot of money, obviously, but also not the world's best human rights record, and Hillary rejected the whole Ports sale, so why he is hanging out with them?

Peaceful Reunification of China — He gave some speech for this crew, which advocates "reunification" of China, which would be a nice idea if it didn't involve a vastly corrupt authoritarian dictatorship engulfing what has arguably become Asia's most vibrant democracy.

The Vatican? — And remember this story?

7. He is, in every tense of the word, a fucking liar.

He lies about how he had the lowest net worth of any president of the 20th century when he got elected — actually Harry Truman holds that distinction — but meanwhile, while Harry Truman went totally broke in post-presidency, only gaining solvency when he sold the family farm to a mall developer. Bill Clinton has made more money than almost anyone who ever came out of the public sector, and more of that money has come from taxpayers than any other living ex-president. Also in his book Giving, Clinton wrote that Ron Burkle's job was the "only private sector offer" he ever took since leaving office, but actually, aside from his ninety gazillion dollars in speakers fees he's made more than $3 million in consulting fees from a shady data-mining company called InfoUSA which was once sued by its shareholders for wasting nearly $1 million in company funds flying the Clintons around the world.


The Comeback Id [Vanity Fair]



He gave some speech for this crew, which advocates "reunification" of China, which would be a nice idea if it didn't involve a vastly corrupt authoritarian dictatorship engulfing what has arguably become Asia's most vibrant democracy.

Wait, what? Since when is China a democracy? Because, you know, opening your communist economy to free market trade doesn't immediately make you a democracy. And I think most of the Chinese people living under the authoritarian power of the evil Party leaders would not agree that they live in a democracy. Am I reading this wrong? Did you type it wrong? I'm confused.

And what about Japan? Seriously, I'm pretty sure Japan is the closest thing East Asia has to a democracy. Are you talking about India? The reuinification of China engulfing India? Cuz that would be bad and it would also get that statement as close to right as possible.

Help please, I'm confused.