6 Ridiculous Things You Might Not Know About Michele Bachmann

Yet another new profile of presidential candidate Michele Bachmann is now available for your perusal. While nothing in the profile of the patron saint of hubris seems out of character, what’s surprising is the sheer volume of Greatest Hits she’s had. Here are six of her most jaw-dropping antics.

She has a stepsister who is a lesbian.

It’s fairly well known that Bachmann’s stepsister is an out lesbian with a partner she’s had for 18 years. Helen LaFave does not support her sister politically, and has even gone to so far as to attend a hearing about Minnesota’s anti-gay marriage amendment in 2006 to remind Bachmann that gay people weren’t babyeating sociopaths intent on kidnapping Marcus Bachmann in the night. Michele was undaunted by her family member’s presence at the hearing and kept on keeping on with her crusade. Minnesota’s anti-gay marriage amendment will be on the ballot in 2012.

She thinks you’re not allowed to say “Merry Christmas” at the Post Office.

If there’s one thing Michele Bachmann loves, it’s pretending that the world is against her and her ilk. She plays persecuted like a gambling addict plays blackjack, and she’s not afraid to stretch the truth to make her point. Christian children are being forced to hold hands with Buddha statues while reciting Mein Kampf. Teachers are being dragged out into the street and glitterbombed for thinking about church while in school. Poor white Christians! Look at all the things that are happening to them in the screenplay Bachmann is writing! Let’s do something about this!

She moved her kids out of her house because she thought her support for an anti-gay marriage amendment in Minnesota would inspire people to beat them up.

In 2006, Bachmann spearheaded a zealotous effort in her home state to add a constitutional amendment to the ballot that would define marriage as between one man and one woman. Minnesota’s actually got a pretty active and vibrant gay community, so this chapped some asses. Look, supporting a controversial cause is one thing, but moving your kids out of the house because you think gay marriage advocates are going to hurt them seems a little theatrical. That girl who carved a backwards “B” into her own face in 2008 and then said a black Obama supporter did it comes to mind.

She became a Super Christian after her friends told her she didn’t love Jesus enough.

Bachmann was raised Lutheran, but when she was a teen, her friends (who sound like assholes) told her that they were worried that she wasn’t committed enough to Christ. So she stayed up all night and decided that from then on, she was going to make up for lost time by out-Christianing the shit out of everyone.

Gore Vidal turned her into a Republcian.

She and her husband campaigned for Jimmy Carter in 1976. But one fateful day, she read Burr by Gore Vidal and decided that liberals must hate America. Ergo, Bachmania was born. It seems the Presidential hopeful loves a good old fashioned conversion story: She used to be not-so-Christian, but then, magic occurred and she saw the error of her ways and now she is right. She also used to be a Democrat before similarly being told via magic that the Old Way was wrong and the New Way was right.

She believes that her greatest strength is in her passionate ignorance.

The Paul Bunyan of exaggeration knows that she’s not always 100% replete with “facts,” but believes that her heart is in the right place. Who needs a brain when they’ve got a hunch?

Michele Bachmann’s certainty is her greatest strength, her biggest weakness [WaPo]