Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Tanisha Love Ramirez assists us in analyzing the "news" in In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Kardashian weight is news again: Kim is fat, Khloe is hot. Also? "Real" "Housewives" get liquid nose jobs; Ryan Gosling's dogs need their privacy; and the real reason Angelina hasn't worn her engagement ring in a while. Let's do this.

"Yes, We're Married"
First she stole Brad, and now Angelina is totes stealing Jennifer Aniston's fake marriage and pregnancy headlines. Though neither half of Brangelina have confirmed a wedding, Angie was recently spotted wearing a simple gold ring on the finger where her engagement ring once resided, prompting unnamed sources to come out and share stories of a supposed secret sunset wedding ceremony held for their children's benefit. A "pal" claims that Angie wore a simple white shift dress from L'Wren Scott and recited her own vows. People cried tears of joy, children ate burgers of beef, Jon Voight managed to stay awake throughout the entire thing — it was a good night. And now that they are all ceremonied, Angie will, no doubt, "call Brad and say she found a child she just can't leave behind" and we'll be reading about their ever-expanding brood next week. Can't wait. Speaking of expanding broods: Kate Middleton is hoping that once she pops, she just won't stop. She and Wills want to make sure her womb isn't vacant very long after she blesses the world with a gift from her uterus. According to a source, Kate's mother Carole has been telling Kate that once she gets into "baby-making mode" she'll be able to handle an expanding brood, no problemo. Next: Kim Kardashian and her ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush have been calling each other, talking about babies, and generally making Kanye jeallies. And finally, Carrie Underwood didn't even know that she was supposed to be feuding with Taylor Swift. Now that she knows, she's totes over it, because "if anything, we should all be supportive."
Grade: F (wedding news)

"I'll Eat As Much As I Want!"
Yet another Kim Kardashian tear-down. Talking about her ass wasn't enough; now the mag attacks her very character; the title of the story inside is "Selfish Kim Defies Her Doctors." She's described as greedy, bingeing, indulgent, defiant. An eyewitness saw her — gasp — eating with Kanye West at Atlanta's South City Kitchen Midtown. "Kim ate like it was her last meal on earth, wolfing down fried chicken and waffles, buttermilk biscuits, mashed potoates, mac 'n cheese, collard greens with bacon and friend green tomatoes with goat cheese. She knew people were watching, but she just didn't care!" SIGH. Imagine all the eyes on her as she and Kanye dined. If you don't eat, you're being rude to the restauranteurs; if you do, someone calls Star. Anyway, apparently Kris Jenner is pushing Kim to gain weight so she can land a multi-million-dollar deal with Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. The thing goes on for a while, with words like "reckless bingeing" "audacious" "slacking on fitness" "arms are flabby" "embarrassing" and so on. It also claims she's scheduled her C-section for right after the 8-month mark so she can "get her life and body back as soon as possible." Fucking hell, the way we treat women and women who are carrying around another human inside of them! Moving on. Angelina Jolie doesn't wear her enormous $500,000 diamond engagement ring because she thinks it's tacky to flash her wealth when she's always going to struggling countries on charity missions. Also, now that you mention it, she hates the ring. It's not her style at all — way too big and gaudy — but she does feel bad, because Brad spent a lot of time designing it for her. (Fig. 1) Lena Dunham wants to lose weight and be pretty like other actresses her age. Leonardo DiCaprio has told Bradley Cooper to fuck as many models as he can before he turns 40. Liam Hemsworth has told Miley Cyrus they should be seeing other people and will only stay with her if they have an open relationship. Jessica Alba has told husband Cash Warren to get off the couch, stop getting fat, and get a job. Kyle Richards's husband Mauricio Umansky is "the biggest flirt in Beverly Hills" and cheats on her often and gave a busty former escort sitting at a hotel bar his phone number. He also did that smooth move of leaving his black American Express card on the table, so she'd have to call. Finally, Adrienne Maloof has a secret first husband and arrest warrant filed in 1988.
Grade: D- (food recall news)

In Touch
"Dumped at 200 Lbs"
Kim Kardashian is still "eating her feelings", random doctors are still guestimating how much gestational weight Kimmy has gained and society has made a blood pact to never let Kim forget that time when she wore that Lanvin babydoll dress. Added twist: Kanye might be cheating on Kim with Aussie singer Iggy Azalea. While Kim's been spotted in dark corners of restaurants, ordering double desserts, Iggy has been publicly talking about her trips to Kanye's Parisian house to listen to his latest "scriptures" about McDonalds' fries. Krist. Next, Kristen Stewart has figured out the key to making Robert Pattinson happy: Smiling. Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger admits that she's always wanted to be a 1950s housewife because "women were way more cherished back then." Ummmm… Okay. (Fig. 2) Finally, escorting celebrities down the red carpet is a legitimate job, you guys: Some dude named Chris Gaida has made his living as a celebrity red carpet escort for the last 14 years and has written a book about it. Forget Lean In!
Grade: D (old news)

Life & Style
"I'm the Hot Sister Now!"
Apparently, there can only be one sexy Kardashian, and Khloe has at long-last been krowned the kween of sexy. For now. Her recent slim down has earned her a lot of positive attention… and backhanded compliments. In a rampant case of quote abuse, this story twists old and made-up quotes in an attempt to spin an "Ugly Duckling" story. Khloe, who has never actually called herself ugly, sexy or hot in any of the interviews cited, is made out to be a default beauty queen, since Kim Kardashian is pregnant and Kourtney's busy with motherhood. The mag suggests that as Khloe becomes thinner — and therefore happier, according to the mag — Kim Kardashian drinks more and more haterade. "It makes matters worse that Khloe is looking amazing. It's hard for Kim to be happy for her." Meanwhile: Britney Spears has already told her new beau that she loves him and her entire family is all, that's just our Britney — always rushing into relationships. Bachelor Sean Lowe's dance partner Peta Murgatroyd "couldn't think of a single person better to be stuck in a room with, sweating." Also, Angelina Jolie has been talking to Billy Bob Thornton behind Brad's back, but it's totes cool because no bodily fluids have been exchanged — or worn. Lastly, a paparazzo stood by and caught these action-packed pics of Heidi Klum putting the "super" in super model, as she rescued her son Henry and two nannies from a riptide in Hawaii — dude, you could have helped. (Fig 3).
Grade: D+ (vague weather report)

"My Best Body Ever"
It's so weird how this is phrased: It's not "this is the best shape my body's ever been in" or "I feel very fit right now" or even "healthy feels great!" It's as though she's been collecting corpses in varying states of decay and she wants to show us the best one she's ever had. Anyway. In an actual interview with the mag, Khloe spills that she lost 20 lbs. by boxing. "I love to box!" she says. Later, the copy reads, "If only she had gotten into the ring sooner." Every morning, 5-foot-ten Khloe does 20 minutes of cardio to "spike her metabolism" and then goes to Gunnar Peterson's Beverly Hills gym four to five days a week where she gets on the elliptical or treadmill and then boxes for 12 rounds, punching the mitts and so on. She also does 55 minute Pilates classes twice a week. Exhausted just typing about it. One thing that's helped change her body? She no longer takes the hormones she was taking to ovulate, which made her bloated. Any more details and they might as well just print her medical charts. Also inside: Ryan Gosling's dog is too famous, so he needs his face blurred (Fig. 4) The Bachelor's fiancée, Catherine Giudici, is "bored and lonely" in LA and stays in watching TV. Cory Monteith's rehab stint will be dealing with his heavy drinking, but his "biggest issue" is his cocaine habit. "He drinks too hard and then he can't say no to other things," a source explains. "The house party scene in LA is dangerous for him." Next, there's an amazing four-page piece called "Real Housewives Plastic Surgery Confidential," (Fig. 5, Fig. 6) in which we get to see old pictures of Kyle Richards and the gang. For those keeping count, Vicki Gunvalson as had two breast augmentation, fat injections on her face, nose work and a chin inplant. Kyle Richards had a nose job and liposuction. NeNe Leaks had a breast lift, nose job and lipo; Lisa Hochstein has implants and a nose job; Tamara Barney had two different sizes of implants, then had them removed; Brandi Glanville had implants, liquid rhinoplasty and vaginal rejuvenation, and Teresa Giudice got C cups in 2008. Liquid rhinoplasty! You can smooth out a bump with injectables. We learned something new today. Finally, the "Secrets of Man Men" story tells us that in season 6, Don Draper's past as Dick Whitman will be the focus and Harry Crane's wardrobe will be Scooby-Doo-esque.
Grade: C+ (dog news)


Fig. 1, from Star

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

Fig. 4, from Us

Fig. 5, from Us

Fig. 6, from Us